Tuesday, August 5, 2008
In the past two weeks, I've had three boyfriends. Astonishing really. Twenty five years of singlehood, and I manage to pull two in one week? Mackin!
I don't pull out the boyfriend excuse often, however this week I've had some really optimistic and pushy guys try to holler, and each time I've fallen back on my easy nail in the coffin.
"Sorry, I have a boyfriend."
We all know this is a lie. No I do not have a boyfriend, I'm just extremely not interested in:
1. Making a new "friend."
2. Having someone show me the "finer things."
3. Finding someone to walk with me.
However I always feel a bit guilty when I say this. I mean, I am not a liar, I do not like to lie. Yet I also do not have time to get involved in a five minute conversation on why we can't be friends, 20-year-old "Mo" who cornered me waiting for the 3 train at 72nd. I don't want new friends because. Since when was "no" not a good enough answer? Thank you for the compliment "Martin," but at 56 years-old, with a crucial halo of hair and government standard issued glasses, did you really think I was going to jump at the opportunity for you to "give me a call some time?"
Nevertheless, I always end up feeling torn deciding who is the biggest loser in these situations: the overeager bachelor, the imaginary boyfriend, or me?
Honestly, I give the "most sorry bastard" award to the imaginary boyfriend. This goes back to me not being a liar. I'm really bad at it, so the only way I can sell a lie is if I really believe it. Some times I can just say I have a boyfriend and the dude fall back. But a lot of times, I feel like when guys have come to that near conclusion, my guess is in their head they're saying "fuck it, go big or go home." So then it becomes "well you can't have friends?", "Is he treating you right?" Thus I have to go into warp speed lying, and some unsuspecting dude in my life is for all of ten minutes in a relationship with me. And I feel bad. I mean, here the guy is, probably out living his life happily, in a relationship or scheming on getting some ass, and poof, we're in a committed relationship. Propping me up on my excuses, like guess what? He's a big guy, who doesn't like me talking to other dudes, may have an anger issue, and I wouldn't want to hurt him like that, would I? Yea, ex-boo who I haven't talked to in three months, for thirty seconds today, we were together. And I'm sorry. You at least deserve to be told you're dating me. You're not even reaping any benefits. Not that there's a lot to reap, but still. Maybe I'll let you put up a suggestive photo on your facebook?