Wednesday, May 5, 2010

New Solutions to The Single Black Women "Crisis"

Newsflash: according to the media, it sucks to be a black woman. Correction – it sucks to be a single and successful black woman. Why? Because she can’t find a man, duh. The media started beating this dead horse back in December with a piece on Helena Andrew’s forthcoming book of essays “Bitch is the New Black,” and then built up it’s case with the tired suggestion of black women dating white men. New shots were fired stating that not only did half of black women having herpes, but also that we had a collective median wealth of $5. As a new contender in this tired debate, The Economist decided to revert back to this favorite – black women are single because black men are in jail. However, my award for “You Weren’t Really Trying, Were You?” goes to ABC's Nightline, for their ankle-deep town hall of sorts aptly titled “Face-Off: Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find A Man?”

Here’s the deal – the state of black women is apparently a real problem. I mean, if we’re not married, we’re doomed, right? But the conversation is so cyclical, and so dead end! Why don’t people talk about other solutions to the single and successful black woman crisis? For example:

Girl on Girl Action – That’s right, I said it. There may not be enough men, but there are plenty of women. Maybe we’ll get all Jurassic Park-y and “nature will find a way” to make babies from two ladies.

Big Love – Not enough men? Share a man! Let’s go ahead and adopt polygamy.

Cat Ladyism – If you can’t get a man, get a cat. Or 2. Or 3. Accumulate as many as you can until Animal Control comes for you. It’s going to be a long and lonely life, better get some furry companions.

Be Dumb – Seriously, this one seems obvious, and I’m shocked that no one’s mentioned this one before. If men are intimidated by your degrees and success, LIE ABOUT THEM. Duh. Who cares if you graduated suma cum laude, degrees don’t keep you warm at night chile! Matter of fact, if you are in school right now, drop out, and you won't have to lie. Stop being so ambitious, being smart and stuff. Get on Kanye’s workout plan, and perhaps one day you too could be Amber Rose.

Locked Up and In Love – Again, obvious. They always say to go where the men are, and we now know that prison is a veritable OASIS of men. It’s like a long distance relationship, except the distance is also over time as well. But hey, you don’t have to worry about other women pressing up on him, and with conjugal visits, you can finally get those babies you always wanted.

Go Blasian – People are always trying to press black women to date white men, but you know who’s really looking for women? Asian men. Rumor has it no one's really trying to date them either, so why don’t we get like the last two kids in gym class and partner up already.

Be Single and Content – Whoa whoa. That must have been a typo. Freudian slip maybe. It’s just that, your life isn’t complete until you’re married with kids right? It’s what we all live for, right? Because once you get that ring everything is a breeze, and screw those pesky statistics about the divorce rate, what we all really need is to find someone, anyone, anything with a pulse to strap into this ride of life with us. Desperation is the perfect scent for long-term relationships, and mixed with the fear of being alone, you’ll be sure to land your first divorce in no time.

And that was the obligatory rant of the month.

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