Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Quarters, nickels, dimes, pennies for everyone!

My type of cat

Does anybody else struggle with giving exact change? The moment I go for those little coins my wallet shrinks to Barbie size, and my fingers grow as fat and uncoordinated as a baby's. I find myself apologizing, my hands are shaking, and I’m pretty sure the little old lady behind me is getting annoyed.

 Thing is, exact change gets no respect. I know, because I was born to a coin disrespector.

A floor covered in perfectly good money. Disrespect!
My father hates coins. Specifically pennies. I have witnessed, on more than one occasion, this man throw pennies from a moving vehicle. Pennies shooting out a car window at 60 mph ya'll! He’s probably thrown away $100 in his lifetime. Rude.

 But I love exact change. I love coins, especially quarters. I love turning over the exact amount (sidenote: lately all my transactions have been costing $xx.26. How weird is that? Should I be playing that number in lotto or something?)

My love for change started as a savvy young teen. It's back to school time, I've got no job, but a craving for all the high fashion Delia's can offer. This, right here, was a conundrum.

Ever the businesswoman, I spotted pools of money just laying around the house, big buckets brimming with potential (and Delia's clothes).

So I cut my mom a deal - let me get at that loose change ma. She did me one better - for however much I wrapped, she would match me. The naive woman thought that I'd lose interest, that I didn't have what it took to wrap all the change in the house.

Ha! Don't doubt me lady. I spent that summer on a coin-rolling spree, sometimes using machines, but mostly moving my deft fingers over piles of money, forcing them into little brown paper cylinders. I couldn't be stopped.

And at the end?

Nearly $400 in change was laying around my house.

The moral of the story - never bet a kid bent on Delia's.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Cows love jazz

Found this via the very excellent The Kid Should See This, which I have found is full of interestingness that I should see too.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

9 things you need to know right now.

Holy shit I'm back.

Thank god.

That was a particularly painful bout of laziness/writer's block/business. 

1. I turned 28 on 11/11/11. And I was so proud of myself for not passing out or puking. And all my friends were really great. And turtle got me a king cake all the way from Louisiana. And then I threatened everyone's life that they better give me the baby or else. And then turtle got the baby, and I snatched it out of his hand and claimed victory for myself. 

I'm truly a joy.

I woke up to this for 3 days. Heaven.

2. I went to Mexico. Stayed in a rustic little bungalow. Swam in a cenote (though I was scared as hell). Hung out with hippies and turtles' parents. Good times had by all. 

3. I have all these revelations about getting older. My favorite question to ask people these days: is this what you thought being an adult would feel like? It's kinda good/scary/amazing, and empowering to think I'm (somewhat) in control. I think about the 11 year old girl who dreamed about getting to this place. I try to make her proud.

4. I got a promotion. Whoot woot. Associate editor (comma social. No really. They made that up) ya'll. I'm a writing ass bitch. 

You better birth!

5. Those bitches at Facebook removed a photo of a woman giving birth that I posted on my job's FB page. I fucking hate Facebook, and when it dies, I will dance on its grave. 
(Until then, I will continue to hate it while refusing to actually shut down my account because of it's ubiquity, and yes, some minimal blog traffic.)

6. I'm kind of obsessing about working out. 6 days a week. And I think about blogging it a lot, but then I'm all like, wait, people expect this from me, so if I give them that, will they be mad? But then I'm all like, wait no one reads your blog anyway. Fart into the jar at your leisure. 
I'm doing body for life (kinda, I didn't buy the book, and ignore the food, but follow the hiit/weight training pattern), and it's surprisingly manageable. I think I just like the feeling of being in control, and the endorphins. One day I will tell you my tragic story of growing up baby fat. Let me tell you this - you can get the fat out of the girl, but you can't get the fat girl out of the non-fat girl... wait. That didn't work out the way I had hoped.
Viral bitch. 

7. One of my pins on Pinterest went viral the other week, and it's basically the biggest thing that has happened to me on the internet since Levar Burton started following me on Twitter. 
I keep talking about it at work, my boss is polite enough not to roll her eyes to my face. Such a nice lady. 




8. This video reminds me of how I say "you better work" in my head to women on the street who are dressed especially cute. And when I'm feeling bad about myself, I imagine someone, somewhere, is silently saying it to me. 

9. I'm going to Thailand in 13 days. OHEMGEE.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The best viral video since Sneezing Panda Baby

I love this video more than David Gregory Dancing to Mary J. Blige. I love this video more that drunk Ewoks on the Today Show. I love this video more than the sneezing panda baby. It is THAT DEEP. Herein lies one of the best videos to hit the internet like, ever. I wish these two kids many talk show appearances and maybe a commercial.



Let's do a play by play, shall we?  

0:06 Children are suspicious of moms recap recap - did we have fun? Fuck yea, we collected candy dressed up in costumes, what's not to love?  
0:36 Eldest child is angry beyond words. Commence hissing. Perhaps contemplates cussing mom out.  
0:56 Eldest child is voice of reason: "You could have came up and woke me up and asked me, I wouldn't care." True, little one, true.
1:10 It dawns on the little one: mom killed Halloween. He is incredulous. Surely this woman is playing a trick, no?
1:20 The eldest gets sarcastic, something to the affect of "kids can't get whiney" perhaps referring to a previous household dispute.  
1:30 The little one is still in a state of disbelief - he searches for evidence of mother's wrongdoing.
1:55 The eldest is insulted by the concept of having had enough candy. Are you serious? He only had one bite, you evil wench. He resorts to more sarcasm. By his judgement, she will, most likely, have a belly ache.  
2:16 Eldest kid:"Mom that's two" Mom:"Two what" Eldest kid:"Two bags of candy" True that, she went hard.
2:23 The little one takes the opportunity to flex his mathematically skills. "2+2 = 5!"  
2:28 The older one "That's okay, it's really 4. Yo Jake, you were really close." And cue Josh Groban's "You build me up" for the best brothers moment in the history of Youtube.
2:42 The forgiveness begins. Mom reign it in next time, okay? Maybe just 2 or 3.
2:53 Mom: "You guys aren't mad at me?" The little one: "Not re re"
3:15 The little one can't let go of his investigation - but why mom? WHY?  
3:31 The oldest one realizes this may have been a good thing - he already has a brownie addiction he's trying to overcome "I'm out of control." Knowledge is half the battle kid.  
3:45 The oldest comes to the greatest revelation about Halloween - it's TOO MUCH. No one man should have all that candy.  
4:01 At the revelation of her eating the peanut butter cups, it's all the evidence the little one needs - mom DID eat all that candy. You sneaky mom! More seething. Eldest is glad he cup his reeses in the night before.  4:21 The baby goes all "hulk mad" on mom.
4:38 Eldest, disturbed by his brother's anger, reopens the investigation: "This is a lie. Mom, there's no way you could eat two bags of candy."  
5:59 Relief. That sneaky mom was only playing a trick.

Oh my ovaries. I'll take two please.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Things you can get me for my birthday

My birthday is Friday. That's right, 11-11-11. What have ya'll been doing with your lives?! I know everyone is hard-pressed to find me something fabulous. I'mma do you a solid bro - here's some shit at the top of my list:
1. Groucho Marx glasses -  I've been thinking a lot about Shock G and singing the humpty hump in my head lately. I feel like he'd have interesting things to say, like if Barbara Walters took him on in a sit down there'd be some startling insight.


2. Videos/pics of funny animals - I can't get enough of Denver. That old guilty mutt lived with no regret.


3. Miniatures - All small everything!

by Chris Piascik
4. Pictures of T-Rexes




5. Yanni Live at The Acropolis - This was my heavy hitter of 1995. Bring back the good old days.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A very scary Halloween

What is love? I can’t take it. Kim and Kris broke up (a thing that has really caused me reconsider the culpability of celebrities, and I worked in reality TV!), and then these guys went and pulled a doppelganger like that couple I posted last week.

Ohh this is so creepy!

This might be the scariest Halloween ever.

It's embarrassing how disturbed I am by the K&K breakup. I mean, okay I'll come out as a closet fan, even though I'd like to air a disclaimer that I don't so much like Kim as I do her crazy family, but I'm generally captivated by family dynamics, so I'll watch the Kardashians in times of TV programming need. I promise, I'm still smart. I just happen to like some dumb things.

Anyways. I'm really disappointed, don't they have any pride? I would have stayed married at least a year. This marriage makes Kim look like a fraud (which I guess she always was, but my hope was that under all that flesh and makeup something real existed, and maybe the poor tin woman actually had a heart), and maybe I should stop feeling bad for the invasive lives celebrities lead, because clearly some are complicit with the paparazzi and gossip mags in their exploitation, and welcome it. Don't people have more scruples?
*end rant*

Moving on. I give a damn about Halloween, so I scrounged up some old mask I bought in New Orleans and called it a day at some bar bday party across the street from Occupy Wall St (which was kind of awkward), and subsequently got "Party Rock Anthem" stuck in my head. So we'll call the night a draw. That we live in a world where LMFAO can have thriving careers confuses me. Whatever happened to the beauty and elegance of a one-hit wonder?

I like Halloween costumes conceptually, but not financially (read: I've got better ways to waste my money). However, I wish, I WISH I would have remembered my favorite show Toddlers and Tiaras, so I could have fantasized about dressing up as a oversi
UPDATE: Fergie stole my fucking costume. I hate her.
UPDATE 2: I removed that fucking video because it kept playing every time you come to the homepage. How rude.

Monday, October 24, 2011

When love makes you do crazy things


The Ballad of Genesis and Lady Jaye // Trailer from Marie Losier on Vimeo.


Oh I find this extremely fascinating. This is merely an extreme version of taking up a hobby for your boo, learning to love the things they love – it’s all essentially an effort to meld together.

I have this idea of love being this magnetism of self-improvement, where each spends a lifetime pulling, pushing, and urging the other to greatness. That is, if you find someone good. The negative is also possible, if you don’t see it.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Please stop humiliating your pets



I don't know if this dog could have given a bigger cry for help if he was found passed out with an empty bottle of xanax.
When the animal revolution comes, I want them to know that I was a sympathizer.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Semi-useless talent: How to draw a panda

I like to leave pictures of animals on post-it notes for my work best friend, emilycat. Thusly, I tried to learn how to draw a panda. 

Doing it right: 

Doing it wrong:
My homicidal pandas.

Nothing is as easy as it looks online :(

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

What I'm obsessed with right now: The death of a gangster

via nymag.com
I've been known to watch this show and start chanting (a la Wu Tang) "Gustavo Fring ain't nothin to fuck wit!"

Giancarlo Esposito is the reason I started to watch (and subsequently became OBSESSED with) Breaking Bad. The storyline is a fantastical mix of reality and absurdity, believable craziness that leaves me yelling at the end of each episode "what the fuck!?! That was crazy!"

 I've been let down by other TV show loves before, but Breaking Bad hasn't led me astray, even through the 4-TV-seasons-in-three-months bender I recently had to undertake to get caught up with the drama. If you have 2,162 hours to spare (and believe me, you do), I strongly recommend injecting all 46 episodes into your eyeballs. It's an addiction well worth the trouble.

Though I am sad, SAD, to see my favorite character go down, there could not have been a more thuggish ruggish way to go. RIP Gustavo Fring!

Friday, October 7, 2011

Nobody wants your mom jeans



LOLZ.

Though I have to say, I can't stand that actress who plays the daughter. She was really obnoxious in that Toyota Venza commercial (which again featured her being somewhat of an asshole daughter). What's with her and the parentals anyway?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Eat it: Portabella Mushroom Bake

Sorry if this picture isn't sexy enough for you. I promise, this is good food.

Here it is - my first recipe post! *cue drums* dun-dun-dun-dun-dun fanfarefanfarefanfarefanfare!

Get excited people. You will enjoy this. 

What you should know - this vegetarian! Nay, vegan even. But do not be intimidated, dear meat eaters. Herein lies juicy deliciousness, of which I've confirmed with both vegetarian apologetics and non-believers. All have extolled the tasty flavorfulness of the portabella mushroom bake. Turtle asks me to make this dish like once a week!

Still not convinced? I hesitate to describe this dish as something you may already know, because I believe the biggest setup in eating a vegetarian dish is comparing it to meat. Manage your expectations kid, seitan and tofu ain't no type of meat, so don't play yourself.

HOWEVER! I would say that this dish has a "meaty essence." I used to eat beef (before Oprah sunk that industry), and this, in very very tiny ways (again, manage your expectations!) reminds me of steak. 

And it's super easy :-D Surely you are sold by now. 

The Portabella Mushroom Bake is a recipe adapted from a random webpage full of vegetarian and vegan recipes. Really, it's called Random Vegan Recipes. No, I myself am not one, but every now and again I venture into the neighborhood and am rarely disappointed.

I've made some alterations, and also halved this recipe, since I know this is your first time and maybe you just want to try it out for two instead of committing to 4, right? 

Here's what you will need:

1/4 cup almond meal/flour
2 tbsp. olive oil 
2 tbsp. Braggs Liquid Amino Acids* 
2tbsp. water 
1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
1 and 1/2 chopped garlic 
1/2 tsp dried rosemary 
1/2 tsp dried oregano 
2 large portabella mushrooms, stems removed

*Don't be intimidated by this crazy name! It's basically a healthier type of soy sauce, ok? You can put it on everything, and it will make it better. Also, this ingredient, combined with the balsamic vinegar, basically makes the dish, so you can skimp elsewhere (like the herbs), but don't shortcut here. 

So first, clean the portabella mushroom, and remove the stem. Usually I just rinse these bad boys in cold water, and leave in the "gills." Take care to keep the "lip" intact - this will contain the delicious sauce. The portabellas will feel a little slimy after washing, so to dry, simply wrap them in a paper towel (you might see a brown residue, but I think that's just mushroom essence or something? You'll live.). Make sure they're fresh! If not, they get a little chewy after cooking. Not cool.


Next, mix together all the remaining ingredients in a small bowl. That's right, throw everything in that bowl - almond flour, olive oil, Braggs, water, balsamic vinegar, garlic, rosemary and oregano. A quick note on rosemary - if you buy it dried, those little leaves can be kind of pointy and crunchy. Take some time to smush them a little finer if you can. 
  




Now to the easiest step: Pour that shizz into your mushrooms, bake at 350 for about 20-25 minutes. 




Here's what it should look like after baked.


Finally, eat it all, lick your plate clean, and reconsider your stance on vegan food.

Fin.

One more 'gin, with less feeling.

Ingredients:

1/4 cup almond meal/flour
2 tbsp. olive oil 
2 tbsp. Braggs Liquid Amino Acids* 
2tbsp. water 
1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
1 and 1/2 chopped garlic 
1/2 tsp dried rosemary 
1/2 tsp dried oregano 
2 large portabella mushrooms, stems removed

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. In a small bowl, mix together almond flour, oil, Braggs, water, vinegar, garlic, rosemary and oregano and blend until well combined.
3. In a large baking dish, place the mushrooms upside down. Pour sauce over and bake for 20 - 25 minutes.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Animal news: All your pets are fat

Your dog can't say no to seconds. Your cat is an emotional eater. Eating is the only way your hamster feels loved. Bad for your pets, but great for my entertainment. Over half of U.S. pets are over weight and it's an EPIDEMIC... of hilarity. I know, health is serious, blah blah, but fat pets just entertain me.

Filing a wrongful termination suit against the local fire department. He's got da'beedes. 

Eats to try to forget his alley cat days. He saw things that would make a grown man cry.

She's not big - she's big boneded. 

Caught snacking on fallen scraps at Marilyn's 50th birthday bash.

Is probably high.

Aspires to be the canine version of Rick Ross.

Fat, but still flexible. 


Monday, September 26, 2011

National Sisters Day


The knock-knee'd days. And the only time in life when my sister was bigger than me. 

There are two lies my sister Mimi told me when we were little:

1.       Clear ocean water is dirty, cloudy ocean water is clean.
2.       Never chew gum on the toilet, because bad things will happen.

I believed these two things for a very long time.

It took me an equal amount of time to really accept that they really weren’t true.

Because when you have an older sister, most things she says seems like gospel. 

When I was sad, Mimi would dance around stuffed animals to cheer me up. When we would play business (which, in case you don’t know, is the world’s most fun game that requires at least 4 people and two days to play),  Mimi would always have the best business (usually involving some type of stuffed animals), but would kindly help me come up with an equally good business.

When she was a teenager Mimi was a bit of a, *cough* *knowing side eye*, but when I followed her to college she was the best thing to prevent homesickness.

In short, Mimi has always made my life better.

One of the few times a pilgrim and a Native American actually got along. 

Few people know how to make me laugh like Mimi. We have shorthand that allows us to be silly and laugh until we cry and can’t breathe, or worse, until I pee (of which I am not proud, but if you make me laugh until I pee, then you are truly hilarious).

Fact is, having a sister is pretty awesome. They're the perfect playmates, and if you're lucky, they grow up to be dependable people you can turn to in times of need, coaching you through life's rough moments, and always finding a way to make you smile.

I love that people mistake us for one another other, and that in college, people would always recognize me as her sister. I knew her good reputation proceeded me.

To be dramatic, I worship my sister. To be simple, I've always looked up to her, and am so lucky that I got a good one.


So when it's her born day, I'm so happy that I've had another year to laugh, cry and play with her.

The life and times of a nose picker. Peep the apple computer yo!

Happy birthday, Milly-ki-ay! And I forgive you for those lies :)

Thursday, September 22, 2011

What I'm Obsessed with Right Now



1. Pinterest
Oh this is my happy place. Tuck me in a don't let me go. Pictures of food, far away lands, quotes to build you up, little animals to make you laugh. Pinterest has sustained me these past few weeks, a place I could go to unplug and dream about warm homecooked meals, crafts done with care, and beautiful places I might someday go. I'm obsessed. Follow me!

Sofrito chicken stew. I made this twice in 30 days. See #3.
2. Pictures of Food
Thanks to Pinterest. This may be one in the same with #1, but it is important enough to get it's own shout out. I have found a passion for pictures of delicious food, and fantasizing about what food in said pictures might taste like in real life.

3. Cooking
Get in my belly all you delicious pictures of food on Pinterest. My life was is some serious need of comfort food, and I've filled the hole with all types of delicious fattiness (and some healthy shit too).
Not to mention, cooking is how I love. When  I really care about people, I cook. Turtle has been needing a lot of love lately, so I've been cooking 2-3 times a week (I always aim for leftovers). I might probably will share some recipes, so get excited, k.

First it hurts, then you wake up in heaven.

4. TP Roller
Holy fucking stretching awesomeness. Goodbye soreness. I got put on to this joint at one of my random Gilt City workouts, and now I REFUSE to workout without it. Basically you roll on top of this thing after doing your workout. It looks harmless, but it actually is fairly painful, because it works in your muscle tendons and does some fancy science stuff with lactic acid or something. All I know is, where I used to have the sorest quads and hammies, I can now wake up in the am and my body's like, fuck yea, lets do that again. It is nothing short of a miracle worker, and anyone who suffers through tight legs should totally get one.

Please forgive this photoshop horror. Google images did the best he could.

5. Wine Lipstick
I keep thinking about Nia Long in Best Man, and how back then dark lips was totally in, and maybe it should come back. So I'm riding that wave.

Me on my way to work.

6. Reading on my iPhone
Ok ya'll. I'm super hyped to this new thing called an iPhone, and you can read on it and shit, and it's really awesome. I know, I'm hella late. But OMG, my commute is much more awesome because of instapaper, kindle, and pdf reader. AAAAAND I can read send me a story (shout to the black chinaman), a very awesome online service that just sends you awesome non-fiction stories. Of the awesomeness I've read lately - elephants raping rhinos in Africa, Sasha Grey at 18, everything you need to know about crowd crush, and an interview with Steve Jobs from 1988 Playboy. As a purveyor of random information, this is EXTREMELY awesome for me. awesomeawesomeawesome.  a

Monday, September 19, 2011

The cutest old people ever



Did I tell ya'll my 76 year old Granny joined Facebook? And "the Twitter"? And has a red convertible? And a boyfriend? Yea, she's a sassy old biddy.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Lions aren't sassy

I spent yesterday night watching new TV shows on Hulu.

In short:
Up All Night - Yay!
New Girl - Oh Zooey. I'm really not sure about you, but ok.
Free Agents - Nice try, probably not.

However, best line of the night has to go the Natasha Leggero of Free Agents, who plays an administrative assistant with a lot of attitude.
When her boss, played by Hank Azaria, asks her to turn down the "sass," she smartly replies -


"It's not sass, this is how it is. Lions don't eat deer because they're sassy." 

Pwn!


Oh, and yes, hello, long time no see :)

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Internet meme defined: The Eli Porter documentary

People's Champion: Behind the Battle from Trent Babbington on Vimeo.


This doc is legit. I love how they tell the story few people ever thought to wonder about. Much respect to Eli Porter.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Babies are planking, so now it's over



Look what you did. I mean really, now some kid has to look back at photos when their dumb ass parent thought it'd be fun to plant them face down on a surface and post the picture online??

Someone even started a website dedicated to the tiny tot version of this international idiotry. If they get a book deal, we're all going to hell, in a hand basket, with gasoline draws on.

So now, planking is officially over. Rest in peace, you beavis-and-buttheadian trend.

Anyways, it's now all about owling, a trend this I can might maybe almost get down with, cause hey, it's about mother nature (kinda), and I'm down with that. And birds.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

ALERT: Cats with guns



Sigh, the good die young.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

My 72 hour juice cleanse: Day 3


Things you should know about doing a juice cleanse:


1. Try drinking a green juice (cucumbers, spinach, kale, etc) before you start. Though the green monster never got "good" to me, per se, I think my previous experience with green juices made it easier for me to drink.

It takes a baby about 13 taste tests before they really decide whether or not they like a certain food. I'm pretty sure that doesn't change even as an adult.

2. Shake it first. The green juice will get a scary brown color when it separates - don't look just shake!

3. Have a good reason and goal in mind when you start. A juice cleanse won't help you drop weight. Not 3 days at least. Luckily my goal was to cut the junk food cravings, and I think my mission was somewhat accomplished (though I do still miss food). I do feel healthier, I'm glad I gave my digestive system a break. I think my first day would have been easier had I been a bit more focused on what I was trying to do.

4. Don't be glib - it's not that easy. By the second and third mornings I was waking up like "oh I got this," but then lunch hour would come. Lunch is my FAVORITE meal of the day, and I'd sit in my office and smell everyone else's deliciousness and slurp green monster resentfully. All of a sudden drinking just juice wasn't so easy anymore.

5. But don't be discouraged - you can do it! Focus my child. It's only 3 days (though they did feel a little bit shorter than eternity). However it's a sacrifice your body will appreciate.

6. You will look forward to the almond milk, and almost feel like it's a guilty pleasure - don't feel guilty. You worked for it (and it's good for you!). Almond milks had me straight for the night - I didn't feel hungry, or even think about food at all after the almond milk.

Overall, a hearty two thumbs up to the Cooler Cleanse. I didn't feel that ill, and though I was hungry, it was more of an "i miss food" feeling than and actual "oh shit I haven't had any solid food" feeling.

My goal is to stay off the wheat, sugar and dairy for a while after this, cause I'm pretty sure my body just barely tolerates them. However it's 4th of July weekend, so I might be screwed.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

My 72 hour juice cleanse: Day 2




Gulps of juice drank 1: 0
Solid food ate 2: 0
Thoughts about food 3:10
Bathroom trips 4:10
Times I felt mildly unwell 5: 1

  1 I Now know the secret to my juice cleanse success - sip don't gulp. The  vodka chug action I was doing was causing fishbowl stomach, probably because I was gulping air too. Today I drank like a civilized person and was rewarded - though I felt full, I never felt juice-full-nauseated. Overall an easier day drinking. The green monster was still nasty, but I knew at the end of the day I would be rewarded with the almond nut milk, which BTW has 480 calories, the most caloric drink on the cleanse. But I think they do that so you can sleep without hunger pains. I know I slept like a champ Monday night.

   2  Yeeaaa boi! I made it the whole day food free.

  3 Which isn't to say I didn't think about food. I still think about the delicious food that I took for granted in my solid food days -  empanadas (I am obsessed, ok?), mashed potatoes and sautéed spinach, fried chicken, popeye's biscuits, turkey chili, pasta... I'm not even hungry so much as I miss food. I miss food like the desert miss the rain. I'm coming to realize how much of a social tool food is for me. I string out snacks like breadcrumbs to get through my day, checking online at 11:30am to see the soup specials, then moseying over to Hale and Hearty or Dishes 2 hours later to smell and taste and get out the office. No reason to hang out with friends when you're not eating (or drinking). No excuse to leave your desk when you're not eating.

  4 Except to pee - pee breaks are the new lunch break ya'll! I was seriously spacing out bathroom breaks like little motivators - finish this task and you can go pee! And it was actually really exciting. And rewarding. And only a little bit strange.

  Today was the day my body realized it really wasn't getting any food. And overall I felt okay with that, but two things: (1) I felt a little headache, like a mild light-headedness towards the end of the day and (2) I felt my sinuses rearranging themselves, like they do when I'm on an airplane (my congested folk will feel me). I definitely wasn't anticipating any sinus action off this cleanse, but it's the only culprit. So yay to that, because I am perpetually plagued by mucus, hence why this is a blog and not a radio show.

And now, a word on poop: pathetic. I've seen Upper East side chihuahuas give more work. I chugged two tbsps of the olive oil Tuesday night. Wish me luck.

 

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

My 72 hour juice cleanse: Day 1


I ate chicken parmigiana Sunday night at 11pm in preparation for this.

And no, that's not what they recommend, but fuck that, you don't prepare for hunger with hunger. You prepare for hunger by gorging yourself, which is actually what brought me to this - I have been eating like a slob. If I lived someplace nice, by myself, I'd prob have all types of veggies and whole grains in my fridge, because in my heart of hearts I'm happy to eat healthy. But because I live in a middle-class slum, detest my kitchen, and am dating a skinny guy with fat guy tendencies, I eat just okay, but borderline bad in my world. Gummy bears, icees, and carbs. Give me carbs or give me death - rice, pasta, potatoes, repeat. Until my stomach bloats and I look a lil pregnant, and then I hate myself and vow to be better during the week.

Cause it's the weekends that undo me, you see. Those 48 hours of unadulterated irresponsibility that cleave me to snack foods and empanadas (oooh, empanadas).

So it has to stop. This pattern of yum yum and withhold has to be broken, these simple sugars cannot interrupt my workday with chants of "cookie. cookie. COOKIE." Enough. No cookie for you. Only juice. 72 hours. Of juice. Yay.

I lucked upon a Gilt City daily deal for the Cooler Cleanse, a cheaper alternative to the more popular Blueprint Cleanse that I've known a few people to do. Being a bit of a convenient crunch,  I go healthy when my wallet allows, or when my body is rejecting my current behavior so violently I am brought to my knees at the organic health food store. Thus, juicing isn't foreign to me, and I've conditioned myself to enjoy juiced kale, spinach, beets, etc etc... I can drink that stuff man.

Or I thought I could. 10 am in the west village brought me a 15 pound bag of 18 juices, six per day, one every two hours. Up first:
#1 The Green Juice. Here's an interesting fact: green juice tastes better when chasing a turkey burger, or your favorite soup from Hale and Hearty (yukon gold potato), or even mixed in with some apple or beet. But cucumber, celery, parsley, spinach, kale, dandelion greens,watercress, pear, lemon and ginger on an empty stomach is no joke. I gulp like I'm taking a vodka shot, which actually only makes it worse. Because here's another fun fact about juice cleanses - you will never actually feel hungry. No, chug 16oz of fluids and you will feel quite full, but it's one of the worse fulls you can feel. My belly feels like a fishbowl, and reminds me of the nauseated feeling I get after drinking too much alcohol and everything in me screams for carbs and a toilet bowl. But no carbs. Just peeing.

#2 Grapefruit and mint. This isn't so bad, but tart, and I get the shakes after every sip like I just took a shot of vodka. Apparently, binge drinking and juice cleanses have a lot in common. Minus the debauchery.

#3 The Green Juice. Damn you green monster. At this point I start to think I rather go hungry than chug this bitch. But I take this second round a bit better, though not by much. The full of liquid feeling is really not working for me. My brain reminds me of all the good things I could be eating, will be eating at the end of these 72 hours... turkey burgers, chicken fingers, felafel... why am I torturing myself?? At least that's the last of it for the day.

#4 Young Coconut Water. Best coconut water I've ever had, and a welcome treat after the green monster. That said, anyone else notice the pervasive "musty" flavor of coconut water? Like a tropical armpit, which sort of makes sense for a tropical fruit covered in hair. It really is an acquired taste.

Somewhere round about the 3rd and 4th water I discover a platter of food in my work kitchen. Whhhyyy?? No, don't. But maybe... don't.

The body is weak, the carbs are calling. I eat 3 cubes of roasted potato, 2 cups of popcorn. And a potato chip (just one, really!). Funny thing is, I regret it all - I feel like if I was going to fall off the wagon I should have gone all out and in style, like a Pret a Manger sandwich or something. The grease of the potatoes turns my stomach, and I am ashamed. I let you guys down.

#5 Essential Red. Easy peasy - carrot, beet, fuji apple, lemon. It's almost too sweet, though I wonder if that means my taste buds are resetting already, as it is my first really sweet drink of the day. Hooray.

#6 Almond Milk. I was skeptical, cause I've had almond milk before and it wasn't for me. But this mix is muy delicioso, with raw almonds, vanilla bean, dates and filtered water. It feels good to have made it through day 1, and without much snacking temptation at home (though please note, my barren cabinets prohibit all snacking).

To aid with, ahem, elimination, the cleanse people recommend 2 tbsps of olive oil. I did one, and then hated myself for the oil slick in my belly. I'm sure it'll do it's job, but I'm really not looking forward to the results.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The best thing about Love and Other Drugs is seeing Jake Gyllenhaal shirtless


Pimpingmanmeetswomansellsdrugsfindsloveandparkinsonsblahblahblah JAKE GYLLENHAAL SHIRTLESS. NAKED.
That's really all you need to know about that movie. It's totally worth the 2 hours of meh romantic comedy.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Dads need love too





It's pretty sad how Mother's Day gets mad fanfare, but Father's Day is sort of an afterthought.

I am lucky enough to have a dad who deserves equal fanfare. So to the man who taught me:

1. How to chew a straw.
2. The joys of reading on the toilet.
3. That glasses are cool (so I subsequently wore his until my eyes got bad enough to get my own pair).
4. That laughing is one of the greatest joys of life.
5. To work diligently towards success.
6. That there's always room for potty humor.
7. That reading a lot is the best way to become a know it all.
8. That being a nerd definitely has its benefits.
9. To love music of all kinds.
10. To always show love and appreciation to the people in your life.

Happy Father's Day Big Guy! I love you and I'm proud of you :)

Monday, June 6, 2011

My current obsessions



I close my eyes and pretend I'm at the beach. In 1963.

See above re:beach.

White men can jump.

Mostly for Karen O and Trent Reznor's cover of Led Zepplin's "Immigrant Song." But also because it's a fucking awesome trailer.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I watch The Hangover Part 2 so you don't have to


A haiku for The Hangover 2:

Tiny asian dicks
And culture clash hijinx
Not so funny

This movie is a Madlibs sequel. "Crazy city to get lost in - Bangkok! Small creature for Alan to become attached to - Monkey!"

And as we all know, you can't play the same Madlibs twice. It never, ever, works.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Why am I obsessed with tiny things?



I don’t know. That’s a question I myself don’t know the answer to. I could blame it on books like The Ghost in The Dollhouse and The Indian in the Cupboard but that wouldn't be all the way true.

My obsession was before then.

Rodents. I love(d) rodents. Because they are small with beady eyes. Ok. I love small things, miniatures, the coolest place I ever went as a kid was miniature world.

I don’t know why. I just do. It’s just so cute and squee I myself could squee with delight. And I do, every time I see something small. Don’t even get me started on calico critters. I recently spent over 30 minutes in a toy store debating if I would by myself one (maybe) and if I did, which one would I buy (chipmunks, naturally), and if a 27 year old woman can justifiably purchase without a semblance of shame or embarrassment (no).
one day you will be mine. oh yes. you will be mine.

Seriously, it’s not even genetic. It’s just irresistibly cute, and if you have the strength to resist, then God bless you. I struggle daily, but the battle is not mine…

PS - yes, this is an annual post in which I rave about tiny things. That's how obsessions go... all-consuming. 

Monday, May 23, 2011

New muppets movie trailer



Everyone get on your knees... get on your knees goddammit!! And thank the heavenly father above that we all survived the apocalypse this weekend to see the teaser trailer for the new Muppet movie (the questionably titled "Green with Envy" #downgrade) be released. He always has a plan.

Friday, May 20, 2011

My rapture last will and testament

Draw me close to you Lord.

If the world does end this Saturday May 21, then I am pretty sure that I will be raptured up to Glory. In such case, I wanted to leave you heathens here on Earth with some good ideas to while away your time until the apocalypse is finished.

As buisiness options will be slim, and entertainment will be scare, I am bestoying upon you, the un-chosen, a wealth of fun ideas to help distract you from your coming eternity in hell. They are as follows:

1. Catsneedchrist.com - A website guiding pet owners how to get their animals to accept the love of Jesus Christ so they can be saved.

2. Babies VS. Puppies - a TV/web property in which you pit babies against puppies for the ultimate battle of cuteness. (There may not be babies after the rapture, in which case this idea should be forfeited. Please note - I already have bequeathed the tumblr, of which I own, to one of my favorite heathens.)

3. 1-800-WHI-NERS - Inevitably, there will be a lot of complaining once people figure out they've been left behind. This phone service will allow users hours of uninterrupted whining.

4. Eat the Baby - The first game show that finds out if a baby truly is cute enough to eat.

5. Historically Hot - A history show where you graphically recreate and imagine what respected historical figures looked like naked.

6. Tiny Time - A weekly talk show updating people on all things tiny. (I regret that I won't be around to host this. Please serve this idea the justice and respect it is due.)

 **Please note: If I'm still here on May 22, this whole post is null and void**

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Trending: Lazy Cats

But not any old lazy cats. No, these are Russian lazy cats, lazy cats beyond a Garfield-ian proportion, content to watch TV or stare off into the middle distance while contemplating what went wrong, and why they insisted on eating that sliced ham, even though they knew it was rancid on first sniff.

Cats who wonder where their cuteness and innocence went, before they got strung out on catnip and competition reality TV shows. These are cats with regrets.





Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day to the voice in my head

Back in my nudist days. Don't hate on my chains.

You know a woman is powerful when she becomes the voice of your good angel subconscious.

To the lady who lives in my head, Happy Mother's Day Kathy.

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