Thursday, May 26, 2011

I watch The Hangover Part 2 so you don't have to


A haiku for The Hangover 2:

Tiny asian dicks
And culture clash hijinx
Not so funny

This movie is a Madlibs sequel. "Crazy city to get lost in - Bangkok! Small creature for Alan to become attached to - Monkey!"

And as we all know, you can't play the same Madlibs twice. It never, ever, works.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Why am I obsessed with tiny things?



I don’t know. That’s a question I myself don’t know the answer to. I could blame it on books like The Ghost in The Dollhouse and The Indian in the Cupboard but that wouldn't be all the way true.

My obsession was before then.

Rodents. I love(d) rodents. Because they are small with beady eyes. Ok. I love small things, miniatures, the coolest place I ever went as a kid was miniature world.

I don’t know why. I just do. It’s just so cute and squee I myself could squee with delight. And I do, every time I see something small. Don’t even get me started on calico critters. I recently spent over 30 minutes in a toy store debating if I would by myself one (maybe) and if I did, which one would I buy (chipmunks, naturally), and if a 27 year old woman can justifiably purchase without a semblance of shame or embarrassment (no).
one day you will be mine. oh yes. you will be mine.

Seriously, it’s not even genetic. It’s just irresistibly cute, and if you have the strength to resist, then God bless you. I struggle daily, but the battle is not mine…

PS - yes, this is an annual post in which I rave about tiny things. That's how obsessions go... all-consuming. 

Monday, May 23, 2011

New muppets movie trailer



Everyone get on your knees... get on your knees goddammit!! And thank the heavenly father above that we all survived the apocalypse this weekend to see the teaser trailer for the new Muppet movie (the questionably titled "Green with Envy" #downgrade) be released. He always has a plan.

Friday, May 20, 2011

My rapture last will and testament

Draw me close to you Lord.

If the world does end this Saturday May 21, then I am pretty sure that I will be raptured up to Glory. In such case, I wanted to leave you heathens here on Earth with some good ideas to while away your time until the apocalypse is finished.

As buisiness options will be slim, and entertainment will be scare, I am bestoying upon you, the un-chosen, a wealth of fun ideas to help distract you from your coming eternity in hell. They are as follows:

1. Catsneedchrist.com - A website guiding pet owners how to get their animals to accept the love of Jesus Christ so they can be saved.

2. Babies VS. Puppies - a TV/web property in which you pit babies against puppies for the ultimate battle of cuteness. (There may not be babies after the rapture, in which case this idea should be forfeited. Please note - I already have bequeathed the tumblr, of which I own, to one of my favorite heathens.)

3. 1-800-WHI-NERS - Inevitably, there will be a lot of complaining once people figure out they've been left behind. This phone service will allow users hours of uninterrupted whining.

4. Eat the Baby - The first game show that finds out if a baby truly is cute enough to eat.

5. Historically Hot - A history show where you graphically recreate and imagine what respected historical figures looked like naked.

6. Tiny Time - A weekly talk show updating people on all things tiny. (I regret that I won't be around to host this. Please serve this idea the justice and respect it is due.)

 **Please note: If I'm still here on May 22, this whole post is null and void**

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Trending: Lazy Cats

But not any old lazy cats. No, these are Russian lazy cats, lazy cats beyond a Garfield-ian proportion, content to watch TV or stare off into the middle distance while contemplating what went wrong, and why they insisted on eating that sliced ham, even though they knew it was rancid on first sniff.

Cats who wonder where their cuteness and innocence went, before they got strung out on catnip and competition reality TV shows. These are cats with regrets.





Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day to the voice in my head

Back in my nudist days. Don't hate on my chains.

You know a woman is powerful when she becomes the voice of your good angel subconscious.

To the lady who lives in my head, Happy Mother's Day Kathy.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Ireland has their own Madea



Since we're on the topic of all things European... you should know Ireland has their own Madea and her name is Mrs. Brown. For the record, they are embarrassed too.

Did I mention it started as a stage play and turned into a TV show? Really, the coincidences are eerie.

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