Thursday, June 30, 2011

My 72 hour juice cleanse: Day 3

Things you should know about doing a juice cleanse:

1. Try drinking a green juice (cucumbers, spinach, kale, etc) before you start. Though the green monster never got "good" to me, per se, I think my previous experience with green juices made it easier for me to drink.

It takes a baby about 13 taste tests before they really decide whether or not they like a certain food. I'm pretty sure that doesn't change even as an adult.

2. Shake it first. The green juice will get a scary brown color when it separates - don't look just shake!

3. Have a good reason and goal in mind when you start. A juice cleanse won't help you drop weight. Not 3 days at least. Luckily my goal was to cut the junk food cravings, and I think my mission was somewhat accomplished (though I do still miss food). I do feel healthier, I'm glad I gave my digestive system a break. I think my first day would have been easier had I been a bit more focused on what I was trying to do.

4. Don't be glib - it's not that easy. By the second and third mornings I was waking up like "oh I got this," but then lunch hour would come. Lunch is my FAVORITE meal of the day, and I'd sit in my office and smell everyone else's deliciousness and slurp green monster resentfully. All of a sudden drinking just juice wasn't so easy anymore.

5. But don't be discouraged - you can do it! Focus my child. It's only 3 days (though they did feel a little bit shorter than eternity). However it's a sacrifice your body will appreciate.

6. You will look forward to the almond milk, and almost feel like it's a guilty pleasure - don't feel guilty. You worked for it (and it's good for you!). Almond milks had me straight for the night - I didn't feel hungry, or even think about food at all after the almond milk.

Overall, a hearty two thumbs up to the Cooler Cleanse. I didn't feel that ill, and though I was hungry, it was more of an "i miss food" feeling than and actual "oh shit I haven't had any solid food" feeling.

My goal is to stay off the wheat, sugar and dairy for a while after this, cause I'm pretty sure my body just barely tolerates them. However it's 4th of July weekend, so I might be screwed.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

My 72 hour juice cleanse: Day 2

Gulps of juice drank 1: 0
Solid food ate 2: 0
Thoughts about food 3:10
Bathroom trips 4:10
Times I felt mildly unwell 5: 1

  1 I Now know the secret to my juice cleanse success - sip don't gulp. The  vodka chug action I was doing was causing fishbowl stomach, probably because I was gulping air too. Today I drank like a civilized person and was rewarded - though I felt full, I never felt juice-full-nauseated. Overall an easier day drinking. The green monster was still nasty, but I knew at the end of the day I would be rewarded with the almond nut milk, which BTW has 480 calories, the most caloric drink on the cleanse. But I think they do that so you can sleep without hunger pains. I know I slept like a champ Monday night.

   2  Yeeaaa boi! I made it the whole day food free.

  3 Which isn't to say I didn't think about food. I still think about the delicious food that I took for granted in my solid food days -  empanadas (I am obsessed, ok?), mashed potatoes and sautéed spinach, fried chicken, popeye's biscuits, turkey chili, pasta... I'm not even hungry so much as I miss food. I miss food like the desert miss the rain. I'm coming to realize how much of a social tool food is for me. I string out snacks like breadcrumbs to get through my day, checking online at 11:30am to see the soup specials, then moseying over to Hale and Hearty or Dishes 2 hours later to smell and taste and get out the office. No reason to hang out with friends when you're not eating (or drinking). No excuse to leave your desk when you're not eating.

  4 Except to pee - pee breaks are the new lunch break ya'll! I was seriously spacing out bathroom breaks like little motivators - finish this task and you can go pee! And it was actually really exciting. And rewarding. And only a little bit strange.

  Today was the day my body realized it really wasn't getting any food. And overall I felt okay with that, but two things: (1) I felt a little headache, like a mild light-headedness towards the end of the day and (2) I felt my sinuses rearranging themselves, like they do when I'm on an airplane (my congested folk will feel me). I definitely wasn't anticipating any sinus action off this cleanse, but it's the only culprit. So yay to that, because I am perpetually plagued by mucus, hence why this is a blog and not a radio show.

And now, a word on poop: pathetic. I've seen Upper East side chihuahuas give more work. I chugged two tbsps of the olive oil Tuesday night. Wish me luck.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

My 72 hour juice cleanse: Day 1

I ate chicken parmigiana Sunday night at 11pm in preparation for this.

And no, that's not what they recommend, but fuck that, you don't prepare for hunger with hunger. You prepare for hunger by gorging yourself, which is actually what brought me to this - I have been eating like a slob. If I lived someplace nice, by myself, I'd prob have all types of veggies and whole grains in my fridge, because in my heart of hearts I'm happy to eat healthy. But because I live in a middle-class slum, detest my kitchen, and am dating a skinny guy with fat guy tendencies, I eat just okay, but borderline bad in my world. Gummy bears, icees, and carbs. Give me carbs or give me death - rice, pasta, potatoes, repeat. Until my stomach bloats and I look a lil pregnant, and then I hate myself and vow to be better during the week.

Cause it's the weekends that undo me, you see. Those 48 hours of unadulterated irresponsibility that cleave me to snack foods and empanadas (oooh, empanadas).

So it has to stop. This pattern of yum yum and withhold has to be broken, these simple sugars cannot interrupt my workday with chants of "cookie. cookie. COOKIE." Enough. No cookie for you. Only juice. 72 hours. Of juice. Yay.

I lucked upon a Gilt City daily deal for the Cooler Cleanse, a cheaper alternative to the more popular Blueprint Cleanse that I've known a few people to do. Being a bit of a convenient crunch,  I go healthy when my wallet allows, or when my body is rejecting my current behavior so violently I am brought to my knees at the organic health food store. Thus, juicing isn't foreign to me, and I've conditioned myself to enjoy juiced kale, spinach, beets, etc etc... I can drink that stuff man.

Or I thought I could. 10 am in the west village brought me a 15 pound bag of 18 juices, six per day, one every two hours. Up first:
#1 The Green Juice. Here's an interesting fact: green juice tastes better when chasing a turkey burger, or your favorite soup from Hale and Hearty (yukon gold potato), or even mixed in with some apple or beet. But cucumber, celery, parsley, spinach, kale, dandelion greens,watercress, pear, lemon and ginger on an empty stomach is no joke. I gulp like I'm taking a vodka shot, which actually only makes it worse. Because here's another fun fact about juice cleanses - you will never actually feel hungry. No, chug 16oz of fluids and you will feel quite full, but it's one of the worse fulls you can feel. My belly feels like a fishbowl, and reminds me of the nauseated feeling I get after drinking too much alcohol and everything in me screams for carbs and a toilet bowl. But no carbs. Just peeing.

#2 Grapefruit and mint. This isn't so bad, but tart, and I get the shakes after every sip like I just took a shot of vodka. Apparently, binge drinking and juice cleanses have a lot in common. Minus the debauchery.

#3 The Green Juice. Damn you green monster. At this point I start to think I rather go hungry than chug this bitch. But I take this second round a bit better, though not by much. The full of liquid feeling is really not working for me. My brain reminds me of all the good things I could be eating, will be eating at the end of these 72 hours... turkey burgers, chicken fingers, felafel... why am I torturing myself?? At least that's the last of it for the day.

#4 Young Coconut Water. Best coconut water I've ever had, and a welcome treat after the green monster. That said, anyone else notice the pervasive "musty" flavor of coconut water? Like a tropical armpit, which sort of makes sense for a tropical fruit covered in hair. It really is an acquired taste.

Somewhere round about the 3rd and 4th water I discover a platter of food in my work kitchen. Whhhyyy?? No, don't. But maybe... don't.

The body is weak, the carbs are calling. I eat 3 cubes of roasted potato, 2 cups of popcorn. And a potato chip (just one, really!). Funny thing is, I regret it all - I feel like if I was going to fall off the wagon I should have gone all out and in style, like a Pret a Manger sandwich or something. The grease of the potatoes turns my stomach, and I am ashamed. I let you guys down.

#5 Essential Red. Easy peasy - carrot, beet, fuji apple, lemon. It's almost too sweet, though I wonder if that means my taste buds are resetting already, as it is my first really sweet drink of the day. Hooray.

#6 Almond Milk. I was skeptical, cause I've had almond milk before and it wasn't for me. But this mix is muy delicioso, with raw almonds, vanilla bean, dates and filtered water. It feels good to have made it through day 1, and without much snacking temptation at home (though please note, my barren cabinets prohibit all snacking).

To aid with, ahem, elimination, the cleanse people recommend 2 tbsps of olive oil. I did one, and then hated myself for the oil slick in my belly. I'm sure it'll do it's job, but I'm really not looking forward to the results.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The best thing about Love and Other Drugs is seeing Jake Gyllenhaal shirtless

Pimpingmanmeetswomansellsdrugsfindsloveandparkinsonsblahblahblah JAKE GYLLENHAAL SHIRTLESS. NAKED.
That's really all you need to know about that movie. It's totally worth the 2 hours of meh romantic comedy.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Dads need love too

It's pretty sad how Mother's Day gets mad fanfare, but Father's Day is sort of an afterthought.

I am lucky enough to have a dad who deserves equal fanfare. So to the man who taught me:

1. How to chew a straw.
2. The joys of reading on the toilet.
3. That glasses are cool (so I subsequently wore his until my eyes got bad enough to get my own pair).
4. That laughing is one of the greatest joys of life.
5. To work diligently towards success.
6. That there's always room for potty humor.
7. That reading a lot is the best way to become a know it all.
8. That being a nerd definitely has its benefits.
9. To love music of all kinds.
10. To always show love and appreciation to the people in your life.

Happy Father's Day Big Guy! I love you and I'm proud of you :)

Monday, June 6, 2011

My current obsessions

I close my eyes and pretend I'm at the beach. In 1963.

See above re:beach.

White men can jump.

Mostly for Karen O and Trent Reznor's cover of Led Zepplin's "Immigrant Song." But also because it's a fucking awesome trailer.


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