Tuesday, June 28, 2011

My 72 hour juice cleanse: Day 1


I ate chicken parmigiana Sunday night at 11pm in preparation for this.

And no, that's not what they recommend, but fuck that, you don't prepare for hunger with hunger. You prepare for hunger by gorging yourself, which is actually what brought me to this - I have been eating like a slob. If I lived someplace nice, by myself, I'd prob have all types of veggies and whole grains in my fridge, because in my heart of hearts I'm happy to eat healthy. But because I live in a middle-class slum, detest my kitchen, and am dating a skinny guy with fat guy tendencies, I eat just okay, but borderline bad in my world. Gummy bears, icees, and carbs. Give me carbs or give me death - rice, pasta, potatoes, repeat. Until my stomach bloats and I look a lil pregnant, and then I hate myself and vow to be better during the week.

Cause it's the weekends that undo me, you see. Those 48 hours of unadulterated irresponsibility that cleave me to snack foods and empanadas (oooh, empanadas).

So it has to stop. This pattern of yum yum and withhold has to be broken, these simple sugars cannot interrupt my workday with chants of "cookie. cookie. COOKIE." Enough. No cookie for you. Only juice. 72 hours. Of juice. Yay.

I lucked upon a Gilt City daily deal for the Cooler Cleanse, a cheaper alternative to the more popular Blueprint Cleanse that I've known a few people to do. Being a bit of a convenient crunch,  I go healthy when my wallet allows, or when my body is rejecting my current behavior so violently I am brought to my knees at the organic health food store. Thus, juicing isn't foreign to me, and I've conditioned myself to enjoy juiced kale, spinach, beets, etc etc... I can drink that stuff man.

Or I thought I could. 10 am in the west village brought me a 15 pound bag of 18 juices, six per day, one every two hours. Up first:
#1 The Green Juice. Here's an interesting fact: green juice tastes better when chasing a turkey burger, or your favorite soup from Hale and Hearty (yukon gold potato), or even mixed in with some apple or beet. But cucumber, celery, parsley, spinach, kale, dandelion greens,watercress, pear, lemon and ginger on an empty stomach is no joke. I gulp like I'm taking a vodka shot, which actually only makes it worse. Because here's another fun fact about juice cleanses - you will never actually feel hungry. No, chug 16oz of fluids and you will feel quite full, but it's one of the worse fulls you can feel. My belly feels like a fishbowl, and reminds me of the nauseated feeling I get after drinking too much alcohol and everything in me screams for carbs and a toilet bowl. But no carbs. Just peeing.

#2 Grapefruit and mint. This isn't so bad, but tart, and I get the shakes after every sip like I just took a shot of vodka. Apparently, binge drinking and juice cleanses have a lot in common. Minus the debauchery.

#3 The Green Juice. Damn you green monster. At this point I start to think I rather go hungry than chug this bitch. But I take this second round a bit better, though not by much. The full of liquid feeling is really not working for me. My brain reminds me of all the good things I could be eating, will be eating at the end of these 72 hours... turkey burgers, chicken fingers, felafel... why am I torturing myself?? At least that's the last of it for the day.

#4 Young Coconut Water. Best coconut water I've ever had, and a welcome treat after the green monster. That said, anyone else notice the pervasive "musty" flavor of coconut water? Like a tropical armpit, which sort of makes sense for a tropical fruit covered in hair. It really is an acquired taste.

Somewhere round about the 3rd and 4th water I discover a platter of food in my work kitchen. Whhhyyy?? No, don't. But maybe... don't.

The body is weak, the carbs are calling. I eat 3 cubes of roasted potato, 2 cups of popcorn. And a potato chip (just one, really!). Funny thing is, I regret it all - I feel like if I was going to fall off the wagon I should have gone all out and in style, like a Pret a Manger sandwich or something. The grease of the potatoes turns my stomach, and I am ashamed. I let you guys down.

#5 Essential Red. Easy peasy - carrot, beet, fuji apple, lemon. It's almost too sweet, though I wonder if that means my taste buds are resetting already, as it is my first really sweet drink of the day. Hooray.

#6 Almond Milk. I was skeptical, cause I've had almond milk before and it wasn't for me. But this mix is muy delicioso, with raw almonds, vanilla bean, dates and filtered water. It feels good to have made it through day 1, and without much snacking temptation at home (though please note, my barren cabinets prohibit all snacking).

To aid with, ahem, elimination, the cleanse people recommend 2 tbsps of olive oil. I did one, and then hated myself for the oil slick in my belly. I'm sure it'll do it's job, but I'm really not looking forward to the results.

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