Thursday, November 10, 2011

The best viral video since Sneezing Panda Baby

I love this video more than David Gregory Dancing to Mary J. Blige. I love this video more that drunk Ewoks on the Today Show. I love this video more than the sneezing panda baby. It is THAT DEEP. Herein lies one of the best videos to hit the internet like, ever. I wish these two kids many talk show appearances and maybe a commercial.

Let's do a play by play, shall we?  

0:06 Children are suspicious of moms recap recap - did we have fun? Fuck yea, we collected candy dressed up in costumes, what's not to love?  
0:36 Eldest child is angry beyond words. Commence hissing. Perhaps contemplates cussing mom out.  
0:56 Eldest child is voice of reason: "You could have came up and woke me up and asked me, I wouldn't care." True, little one, true.
1:10 It dawns on the little one: mom killed Halloween. He is incredulous. Surely this woman is playing a trick, no?
1:20 The eldest gets sarcastic, something to the affect of "kids can't get whiney" perhaps referring to a previous household dispute.  
1:30 The little one is still in a state of disbelief - he searches for evidence of mother's wrongdoing.
1:55 The eldest is insulted by the concept of having had enough candy. Are you serious? He only had one bite, you evil wench. He resorts to more sarcasm. By his judgement, she will, most likely, have a belly ache.  
2:16 Eldest kid:"Mom that's two" Mom:"Two what" Eldest kid:"Two bags of candy" True that, she went hard.
2:23 The little one takes the opportunity to flex his mathematically skills. "2+2 = 5!"  
2:28 The older one "That's okay, it's really 4. Yo Jake, you were really close." And cue Josh Groban's "You build me up" for the best brothers moment in the history of Youtube.
2:42 The forgiveness begins. Mom reign it in next time, okay? Maybe just 2 or 3.
2:53 Mom: "You guys aren't mad at me?" The little one: "Not re re"
3:15 The little one can't let go of his investigation - but why mom? WHY?  
3:31 The oldest one realizes this may have been a good thing - he already has a brownie addiction he's trying to overcome "I'm out of control." Knowledge is half the battle kid.  
3:45 The oldest comes to the greatest revelation about Halloween - it's TOO MUCH. No one man should have all that candy.  
4:01 At the revelation of her eating the peanut butter cups, it's all the evidence the little one needs - mom DID eat all that candy. You sneaky mom! More seething. Eldest is glad he cup his reeses in the night before.  4:21 The baby goes all "hulk mad" on mom.
4:38 Eldest, disturbed by his brother's anger, reopens the investigation: "This is a lie. Mom, there's no way you could eat two bags of candy."  
5:59 Relief. That sneaky mom was only playing a trick.

Oh my ovaries. I'll take two please.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Things you can get me for my birthday

My birthday is Friday. That's right, 11-11-11. What have ya'll been doing with your lives?! I know everyone is hard-pressed to find me something fabulous. I'mma do you a solid bro - here's some shit at the top of my list:
1. Groucho Marx glasses -  I've been thinking a lot about Shock G and singing the humpty hump in my head lately. I feel like he'd have interesting things to say, like if Barbara Walters took him on in a sit down there'd be some startling insight.

2. Videos/pics of funny animals - I can't get enough of Denver. That old guilty mutt lived with no regret.

3. Miniatures - All small everything!

by Chris Piascik
4. Pictures of T-Rexes

5. Yanni Live at The Acropolis - This was my heavy hitter of 1995. Bring back the good old days.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A very scary Halloween

What is love? I can’t take it. Kim and Kris broke up (a thing that has really caused me reconsider the culpability of celebrities, and I worked in reality TV!), and then these guys went and pulled a doppelganger like that couple I posted last week.

Ohh this is so creepy!

This might be the scariest Halloween ever.

It's embarrassing how disturbed I am by the K&K breakup. I mean, okay I'll come out as a closet fan, even though I'd like to air a disclaimer that I don't so much like Kim as I do her crazy family, but I'm generally captivated by family dynamics, so I'll watch the Kardashians in times of TV programming need. I promise, I'm still smart. I just happen to like some dumb things.

Anyways. I'm really disappointed, don't they have any pride? I would have stayed married at least a year. This marriage makes Kim look like a fraud (which I guess she always was, but my hope was that under all that flesh and makeup something real existed, and maybe the poor tin woman actually had a heart), and maybe I should stop feeling bad for the invasive lives celebrities lead, because clearly some are complicit with the paparazzi and gossip mags in their exploitation, and welcome it. Don't people have more scruples?
*end rant*

Moving on. I give a damn about Halloween, so I scrounged up some old mask I bought in New Orleans and called it a day at some bar bday party across the street from Occupy Wall St (which was kind of awkward), and subsequently got "Party Rock Anthem" stuck in my head. So we'll call the night a draw. That we live in a world where LMFAO can have thriving careers confuses me. Whatever happened to the beauty and elegance of a one-hit wonder?

I like Halloween costumes conceptually, but not financially (read: I've got better ways to waste my money). However, I wish, I WISH I would have remembered my favorite show Toddlers and Tiaras, so I could have fantasized about dressing up as a oversi
UPDATE: Fergie stole my fucking costume. I hate her.
UPDATE 2: I removed that fucking video because it kept playing every time you come to the homepage. How rude.


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