Strangely Captivated By This

Seems like it might be a good stress reliever. I like how close he gets to the canvas, really driving home the yell.

I approve.

Just Because

My extinct spirit animal has a blog, and no one bothered to tell me

Via the so-brilliant-i'm-jealous-i-didn't-think-of-it-,-but-oh-yea-i-can't-draw Tumblr  T-Rex Trying....

*my living spirit animal is some sort of mouse/squirrel/koala hybrid, but since you love me and everything, you already knew that

The Bath Loving Dog

How am I just now seeing this??? Internet, you're failing me right now.

this is why i can't post pictures of myself

I took a really cute selfie of myself this am, but since I still won't allow myself the vanity of self portraits on instagram, i thought I'd write about it instead, since I'm a writer and writing about myself is okay.
So.
I like cut my hair a few weeks ago, and now it's growing out hardbody cause i've been downing 5,000mcgs of biotin daily because i don't know long hair is a woman's true beauty even though I think I look better with shorter hair so whatever. But anyways I like pulled back my hair into this messy sloppy bun, but then left some out in the front, kind of like a messy aliyah bang, and then swept the longer pieces under my face so it kind of looks like a short haircut I'd get if I wasn't so afraid of not being able to make a pony tail.
My makeup is poppin cause ive actually been trying to give a fuck these days, with like some liner so my eyes look bedroom sexy but bright, and i learned to do my brows (which are also growing in hammertime because of the biotin, ftmfw, since i got them overwaxed years ago and the hairs on my left brow had decided to go on a growth strike), and put on some blush, which is my fav, along with some hot and naughty mac mascara, which i am addicted to. But the piece de resistance is my prince noir lips, which make me feel super sexy in a nia long from love jones way, which is exactly what i was going for, so yay for execution. (Don't worry, I don't do duck face though, my expression is kind of an open mouth smize, just like tyra taught me.)
Ive got this louis vuitton gray scarf on that i love that i stole from my mom who got it from her friend when her friend's mom died and i was just like, lady, i will do this scarf more justice, and she wisely didn't fight me for it (my mom, not the dead lady). It's kind of intensely wrapped around my neck cause i don't fuck with no cold breezes on my neck, but like, it's still cute.
And then there's like a light flare in the upper right hand corner of the pic from my ceiling fan/light, which is cool, but not on purpose, because i really don't know how to take selfies and I really refuse to learn how to, since then i'd be all vain and shit, and really, who has time for that?
My lack of photo skills also explains my iphone 3 (i know, sad face) prominent placement in the photo, along with my nails. However it doesn't explain why my nails look janky, which is really just the outcome of an inexperience woman wearing gel nails and too lazy to get them redid in a timely fashion before shit gets real. It is a cute mani, but it is a dead mani, with new growth poppin like a motherfucker. Oh well. One thing at a time.
So yea. That's my cute selfie i wanted to share with ya'll so i could get mad likes and feel good about myself, but i'm too self-conscious to post self-portraits so I wrote about it instead.
*fin*

UPDATE: An artist rendering by @luvbrasco below

UPDATE 2: Now with low bun, light flare, and correct color lips(@luvbrasco still)

The Proper Way To Flirt

Charlie Chapman could get it.

Statements That Can Either Sound Like Encouragement Or A Threat

1. Keep Smiling

songz that really make me excited to be under 30 and childless

My birthday's in a few days. I'm turning 29. Cue small panic.


Quite poetic really, with the lyrics and everything.





Naturally.

Hope for the motherfucking world

Just so you know... you're lucky to be here

I wrote a letter to a dying houseplant yesterday. It actually turned into a super deep (at least for a convo with a houseplant) manifesto about how everyone matters. And then I thought of this infographic. Because everyone matters (even houseplants, anthropomorphization ya'll!).

Why isn't this a real Olympic event?

I could watch this forever.

We've all had those days

I can watch this forever.

Props to this dog's holy boldness to brazenly state he'd prefer to be left the fuck alone.

8-Bit Radiohead Renditions >>> LIFE

I feel like Radiohead fans are special people, and I'm glad to call myself one of them. Going to go see them Sunday June 1. First time in my entire life. Long overdue.

How Long Do Animals Live?

via swissmiss.com

And now you know. Much respect to the pearl  mussels out there, getting it in.

What I'm Obsessed With Right Now: Ima Read

Zebra katz - Ima Read from Mad Decent on Vimeo.

Thanks to the lovely @keenrover for putting me on. My highlights:
"I'ma take that bitch to college, Ima give that bitch some knowledge."
When the girl's sitting on the floor and she's just thinking bout all the shit she gonna do like "Imma chop that bitch. Imma ice that bitch. i don't like that bitch."
I needed more voguing though.

Doggie Fat Camps

The internet works my people.
A few months back I implored you all to stop making your pets fat. And you all answered the call.
I am assured that you all mobilized your local communities, gathering funds and materials to create the World's First Doggy Fat Camp.
You all are amazing. Innumerous thanks and blessings.



Sidenote: This reporter should be slapped for his way too cute-sy yet serious intro. Seriously. They're obese dogs, not cupcake eating kittens. Show some respect dude. These are dogs dealing with real issues.

Also, he looks like the dad from Modern Family (and a touch of Steve Carrell). Which might explain his stupidity, but you are no Phil Dunphy my friend.

Post-Apocalyptic Panda

Wastelander Panda Prologue from Epic Films on Vimeo.

I'm so glad to know there are equally weird people out there interested in personifying animals.
Also: How fucking sad is this?? Stop killing mother earth you jerks. A day when a panda walks upright through the desert is no day at all. 

Celebrity Sleepover

Oh, this is brilliant.

Could have been me: man donates 80 hamsters

You'd be surprised how many images show up when you google "hamster party."

The man, whose name was not released, estimated he had about 80 hamsters in his apartment. He did not own a car and planned to take them to the animal shelter in a cab, said Mike Keiley, director of Nevins Family Adoption Center.

He started out with just two, a male and a female he bought from a pet store and over time, they continued to reproduce.

“He couldn’t afford them any longer,’’ Keiley said of the man, who is receiving welfare payments. “He had gone hungry a couple nights in order to feed his hamsters.’’
At the start, the hamsters were kept in fish tanks, typical, but then the owner needed to get more creative and began using things like 5-gallon buckets, Tupperware containers, and an empty cat litter box.- The Boston Globe

Except I killed my hamster by letting her teeth grow into her head. BUT! It was an accident. AND! I gave her a proper burial.
But lawd, I loved me some hamsters. RIP Priscilla.

Go ahead, take a nap

via patioproductions.com

My favorite hobby, justified. FTMFW!

Tales from the hood: When feral cats attack

Ed note: I don't necessarily live in the "hood" hood, but it is common knowledge that every single block in NYC is hood-ish.

This is what happens to you when you're the girl who equally loves and hates cats:

A pack of feral cats moves in outside your bedroom window. In your backyard. They meow bloody murder at all times of night, worrying your mind with the dark and vicious scenarios that could be devolving right outside of your window: cats raping cats. A bloody cat execution. A mournful grieving ritual over the death of an elder cat. 

And then you sit there, your ear cocked to the window, trying to decipher the meows for signs of life or death and contemplating exactly what to do when there's a kitty uprising right outside your window. 

Do you dare creep to your window, in an attempt to actually witness the horrors only your ears have previously witnessed? Do you call the police? Animal control? Say a prayer for all the fallen kitties?

No.

Shut the fuck up, you mumble, far out of any kitten's hearing. You roll over, snuggle deeper under your covers, and hope to hell they finish killing that cat soon. 

I before E, except after fuck you

I can't spell recieve to save my life.
If someone put a gun to my head, and said spell recieve, I'd pull the trigger for them.
As a writer, this frustrates me to no end.
Fuck that I before E rule, and fuck the English language for being so damn complicated for no particular reason.

The 7 things I learned in Thailand

Some idyllic island off the west coast of Thailand. 

I'm huffing laundry.
Long deep drags on dirty bathing suits, sundresses, and t-shirts.
They smell like sand, salt water, bug spray and chlorine.
I miss Thailand.

7 Eleven in the Copenhagen airport. 

 Lesson #1: 7 Eleven is everywhere 
There might be 1 in Manhattan, that's about it. But there are EVERYFUCKINGWHERE else. Mexico. Thailand. Cambodia. Denmark. Every time I stepped off a plane it was damn near the first thing I saw. I had no idea 7 Eleven was getting it in.

On Chao Phraya River in Bangkok.

Lesson #2: Negotiating with a smile 
I was the haggler on this trip. You say 800 baht, I say 400. You say no. I say 400, smile and do a little cutesy head wiggling (think Toddlers & Tiaras*), and all of a sudden the guy relents. Powerful, and yet it only worked in Bangkok. Tried that on one of the islands, and the taxi driver damn near walks away. I guess my charm has its borders.

Tuk tuk riding at Angkor Wat in Cambodia. 

Lesson #3: Trust everyone 
We've got nothing in common but this money in my hand. And yet you're my only hope, so I'm going to go ahead a trust that you'll do what you said you will do. That you will have another car waiting for me when I cross the border. That you'll take me to where I'm asking, even if we don't speak the same language, so it's a tiny bit unclear. That you won't let me die in this car, even though everyone here drives like a very calm and polite maniac.
It took me going halfway around the world to learn it, but honestly, most people can be trusted.

This picture is out of focus because my hands are shaking in excitement.

Lesson #4: Airplane meals are AWESOME 
Hello excitement. EVERY FLIGHT I TOOK IN ASIA SERVED FOOD. Even if it was only a 1 hour flight. The last time I remember being served food for free on an airplane was in 1992 on my way to Disney World. Somehow airplane food (though it's not extremely tasty) thrilled the hell out of me.

Brocat. 

Lesson #5: Bros are international 
Riding on a pickup truck mini bus in Koh Samui with 6 dudes from New Zealand singing a song that basically goes like this:

"I wish all the ladies (I wish all the ladies)
 Were insert noun here (Were insert noun here)
Then I would insert something double-entendre sexual to be done with said noun (Then I would insert something double-entendre sexual to be done with said noun)
 All day long (All day long)
Be bop ba doo bop (Be bop ba doo bop)
Bee bada boo bop (Bee bada boo bop)

They sang approximately 20 variations of this song on our ride over to the bar. I have video, but I wrote the above from memory I retained nearly a week ago. I will only post if I am feeling particularly evil.

Angkor Wat in Siem Reap, Cambodia. 

Lesson #6: You don't know until you know 
You don't know how much shit will cost. You don't know how long you should really stay someplace. You don't know if it's the right hotel, or if you're even walking in the right direction. It's a lot of trial and error.

This woman made the best phad thai I ever had. And she cooked it on a street corner. 

Lesson #7: My stomach can hang
Forrealz, I was hecka worried about my stomach. I was prepared to have the runs at least once, cause my stomach is mad sensitive. But holy shit, I was good as gold. Not even one stomach ache. No immodium in a past, present or future. That blew my mind.




*Tom Fucking Hanks did a spoof of Toddlers & Tiaras!! How did I miss this?????? I'm totally having a Hooch moment.