Monday, January 30, 2012

Post-Apocalyptic Panda

Wastelander Panda Prologue from Epic Films on Vimeo.

I'm so glad to know there are equally weird people out there interested in personifying animals.
Also: How fucking sad is this?? Stop killing mother earth you jerks. A day when a panda walks upright through the desert is no day at all. 

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Celebrity Sleepover

Oh, this is brilliant.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Could have been me: man donates 80 hamsters

You'd be surprised how many images show up when you google "hamster party."

The man, whose name was not released, estimated he had about 80 hamsters in his apartment. He did not own a car and planned to take them to the animal shelter in a cab, said Mike Keiley, director of Nevins Family Adoption Center.
He started out with just two, a male and a female he bought from a pet store and over time, they continued to reproduce.
“He couldn’t afford them any longer,’’ Keiley said of the man, who is receiving welfare payments. “He had gone hungry a couple nights in order to feed his hamsters.’’
At the start, the hamsters were kept in fish tanks, typical, but then the owner needed to get more creative and began using things like 5-gallon buckets, Tupperware containers, and an empty cat litter box.- The Boston Globe

Except I killed my hamster by letting her teeth grow into her head. BUT! It was an accident. AND! I gave her a proper burial.
But lawd, I loved me some hamsters. RIP Priscilla.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Go ahead, take a nap

My favorite hobby, justified. FTMFW!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Tales from the hood: When feral cats attack

Ed note: I don't necessarily live in the "hood" hood, but it is common knowledge that every single block in NYC is hood-ish.

This is what happens to you when you're the girl who equally loves and hates cats:

A pack of feral cats moves in outside your bedroom window. In your backyard. They meow bloody murder at all times of night, worrying your mind with the dark and vicious scenarios that could be devolving right outside of your window: cats raping cats. A bloody cat execution. A mournful grieving ritual over the death of an elder cat. 

And then you sit there, your ear cocked to the window, trying to decipher the meows for signs of life or death and contemplating exactly what to do when there's a kitty uprising right outside your window. 

Do you dare creep to your window, in an attempt to actually witness the horrors only your ears have previously witnessed? Do you call the police? Animal control? Say a prayer for all the fallen kitties?


Shut the fuck up, you mumble, far out of any kitten's hearing. You roll over, snuggle deeper under your covers, and hope to hell they finish killing that cat soon. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I before E, except after fuck you

I can't spell recieve to save my life.
If someone put a gun to my head, and said spell recieve, I'd pull the trigger for them.
As a writer, this frustrates me to no end.
Fuck that I before E rule, and fuck the English language for being so damn complicated for no particular reason.

Friday, January 13, 2012

The 7 things I learned in Thailand

Some idyllic island off the west coast of Thailand. 

I'm huffing laundry.
Long deep drags on dirty bathing suits, sundresses, and t-shirts.
They smell like sand, salt water, bug spray and chlorine.
I miss Thailand.

7 Eleven in the Copenhagen airport. 
 Lesson #1: 7 Eleven is everywhere 
There might be 1 in Manhattan, that's about it. But there are EVERYFUCKINGWHERE else. Mexico. Thailand. Cambodia. Denmark. Every time I stepped off a plane it was damn near the first thing I saw. I had no idea 7 Eleven was getting it in.

On Chao Phraya River in Bangkok.
Lesson #2: Negotiating with a smile 
I was the haggler on this trip. You say 800 baht, I say 400. You say no. I say 400, smile and do a little cutesy head wiggling (think Toddlers & Tiaras*), and all of a sudden the guy relents. Powerful, and yet it only worked in Bangkok. Tried that on one of the islands, and the taxi driver damn near walks away. I guess my charm has its borders.

Tuk tuk riding at Angkor Wat in Cambodia. 
Lesson #3: Trust everyone 
We've got nothing in common but this money in my hand. And yet you're my only hope, so I'm going to go ahead a trust that you'll do what you said you will do. That you will have another car waiting for me when I cross the border. That you'll take me to where I'm asking, even if we don't speak the same language, so it's a tiny bit unclear. That you won't let me die in this car, even though everyone here drives like a very calm and polite maniac.
It took me going halfway around the world to learn it, but honestly, most people can be trusted.

This picture is out of focus because my hands are shaking in excitement.
Lesson #4: Airplane meals are AWESOME 
Hello excitement. EVERY FLIGHT I TOOK IN ASIA SERVED FOOD. Even if it was only a 1 hour flight. The last time I remember being served food for free on an airplane was in 1992 on my way to Disney World. Somehow airplane food (though it's not extremely tasty) thrilled the hell out of me.

Lesson #5: Bros are international 
Riding on a pickup truck mini bus in Koh Samui with 6 dudes from New Zealand singing a song that basically goes like this:

"I wish all the ladies (I wish all the ladies)
 Were insert noun here (Were insert noun here)
Then I would insert something double-entendre sexual to be done with said noun (Then I would insert something double-entendre sexual to be done with said noun)
 All day long (All day long)
Be bop ba doo bop (Be bop ba doo bop)
Bee bada boo bop (Bee bada boo bop)

They sang approximately 20 variations of this song on our ride over to the bar. I have video, but I wrote the above from memory I retained nearly a week ago. I will only post if I am feeling particularly evil.

Angkor Wat in Siem Reap, Cambodia. 
Lesson #6: You don't know until you know 
You don't know how much shit will cost. You don't know how long you should really stay someplace. You don't know if it's the right hotel, or if you're even walking in the right direction. It's a lot of trial and error.

This woman made the best phad thai I ever had. And she cooked it on a street corner. 
Lesson #7: My stomach can hang
Forrealz, I was hecka worried about my stomach. I was prepared to have the runs at least once, cause my stomach is mad sensitive. But holy shit, I was good as gold. Not even one stomach ache. No immodium in a past, present or future. That blew my mind.

*Tom Fucking Hanks did a spoof of Toddlers & Tiaras!! How did I miss this?????? I'm totally having a Hooch moment. 


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