Sunday, December 15, 2013

THIS Is Empathy

"Rarely does a response make something better. What makes something better is connection."

Friday, December 13, 2013

Oh Did You Miss Me?

I mean really, I couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks Dinky for representing my lifestyle to a T. Working FT and going to grad school FT is no joke*.

 *Actually, it was actually fairly manageable, I just sort of wasn't thinking about the W&G for a min. But no school for the next month huzzah! Holla at an e-player.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

How Internet Creepy Are You?

Searched for someone on Facebook, and never friended them but looked at all their public photos
Persistently go to someone's instagram to look at all their photos, but refuse to follow them (or like their photos)
Googled someone
Had a friend "friend" someone on Facebook so you can look at their profile without them knowing it was you
Set up a fake profile on any site, for any reason
Found someone's phone number and address via the internet

Monday, October 7, 2013

YOU Need To Watch This

I know a lot of people who fear failure. I was one of them. I had my revelation sometime a few years ago (which I blogged*) that, in fact, opportunity does not knock on doors. Opportunity kind of plays this flirtatious game of tag, and you better be out to win.

I appreciate this man's frank words about what it means to fail, and his process of identifying what was really holding him back (hint: it's not The Man). This is required viewing for anybody who wants to be able to one day yell "look ma I made it!" It's never too late to become the person you should have been. 

Also, agreed, about 10% of any group of people are cool. The other 90% can suck it.

*Um, that post is from 2010. I've had this blog since 2007. WTF. Oldness.

Friday, September 13, 2013

The Proper Way To Pray

1. Find a Bathroom. Preferably a public one, at work say, but any old bathroom will do.
It's a little known fact that the toilet is the perfect place to pray, serving both as a metaphorical and literal display to God that you are "about to show your ass." It also serves as a humble reminder of your piousness, and your vulnerability before the Lord - it takes a bold motherfucker to act aloof on the toilet.

2. State your thank yous. As we all know, no one likes a greedy askhole. If you're in a rush (and lets face it, you're praying in a public bathroom, so shit's about to get real), it's okay to just run through the basics - thanks for life, presence, toilet paper, or my favorite catch all "all that you have done." Lazy, but hey, we're trying to cover bases here, not one-up the lord's prayer.

3. Beg. Try to come at it from a confident place like "I know you see what's going on here, and that I'm freaking out, but yea, I know you're gonna fix it, so I'm just checking in as a friendly reminder that I'm freaking out over here."
If you can't muster the confidence angle, repeating please multiple times is the prayer equivalent of marking an email as high importance. We all know the power that little red exclamation point brings (at least us archaic microsoft outlook users).

4. Thank again. The final thank you is the handshake of prayer, a sort of "nice doing business with you God" gesture. Note here, that if you'd like to be fastidious in your bases covering, you might also add in a "perhaps my way isn't the best way, so if you chose to not go with my preferred plan of action, I defer to your expertise, for you are God, and I am often dumb."

5. Amen. And flush. Even if you didn't pee or anything. You don't want other people in the bathroom to think you nasty.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

A Healthy Dose Of Kanye Love

Yeezus is slow growing on me, but that doesn't diminish my love. Long live Kanye.

Monday, August 26, 2013

These Are The Books That Made Me

 The original turn up queen. Apparently I've had a love for parties since young.

I'm HELLA nosey, so this book spoke to me... and also led to a brief time in which I "spied" on everyone and wrote everything down.
I mean, it's a book about a mouse. Duh. Love. But it's also kind of a life truism - motherfuckers always want more, so fuck generosity (just kidding, but lowkey 25 years later, that's how this book reads).

Gateway drug to futuristic sci-fi... an obsession I hold to this day.

Whenever I have a reallllllllllly shitty day, I think about this book. It bees like that sometimes.

Ed Note: I feel some level of guilt that there are only children's books on this list.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Forget the next 5 minutes of your life, it's going to be occupied by this:

Damn. How quickly that situation soured.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

This Isn't What It's About

But dammit if I don't wish it was.
Apparently my Netflix got it's wired crossed. Zac Efron and dinosaurs????? I WISH.

imagine my disappointment to find that this isn't what the movie was really about. at all. fucking fail man. 

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Sorry, Another Cat Gif

I just watched this like 10 times in a row.

Sorry I'm not sorry.

There's just so much going on here.

Also, some wonderful commenter recently questioned why no one comments on my blog. She reasoned it was for the haters, and 'lo, I am flattered, but nay, methinks haters of this blog I have not.

It's because I don't really write much anymore more? Or maybe I don't play the blogger game where I court visits and commenters?

In truth, this blog is a weird place, and I like it just fine like that.

In fact, whenever people tell me in person that they read/liked my blog, I get all weird and bejiggity, because hell, I like to pretend no one reads this thing. And if they do, they have the good sense to keep it to themselves, at least in the beginning.

Because once I know people are watching, shit changes.

Like, you ever gain a new follower on instagram, and then all of a sudden, you start thinking about that person before you post a photo, what they'll think, how they'll interpret it?


Okay then fuck off.

I think of everything. As hard as I try not to. As hard as I try not to ascribe meaning to everything that happens online.

But alas. I prefer to pretend no one reads this blog*, because it's more honest that way.

This is my brain on the internet.

And ta da, writing.

There's my ass internet, enjoy.

*And maybe no one does. 

Monday, July 22, 2013


I ain't been shopping in a while (lie: I need not to have been shopping in a while), but I KNOWS this feeling.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Tabby Cat or Rock Star?

Seriously, do you guys ever take the time to thank God for the internet? This right here is a true blessing.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

What Kind Of Bro Are You?


I really want to be like Brody Jenner, but I'm probably more Ben Affleck. Or at my worse, Ryan Lochte.

Monday, July 8, 2013

I Can't Stop Watching This

This fucking bunny better get them dollas!

 So she can get her bachelor's degree.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Watch Me Twerk To Juicy J*

Real talk, when I'm home alone, this is is me all up in my mirror like WOAH.

*wait, you forreal thought I'd post a twerking video?? log off you simp

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Oh Hai.

Yea yea, my posting streak ended in May.
My multitasking skills are non-existent, so while you were pining for my excellence, I was building


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

I Am Doing Something Exciting And Scary

At the same time ya'll.

At the same time.

Creating things has always been my heart.*

So recently I submitted one of my many ideas to The Figment Festival, and they liked it, and they welcomed it into their event.

My idea is well on it's way to becoming a real live thing, the Selfie Portrait Project.

However, now I'm in the very uncomfortable and awkward and exciting phase of trying to make this idea come out of my head and into the real world.

It isn't pretty.

In the 6 (!!) years that I've had this blog, I've tried to expose my insecurities, my doubts, my shortcomings and faults.

Not just because I have an affinity for self-deprecating humor (though I do), but because people exposing their faults and insecurities comforts me. Part of the "power" that insecurities hold is their isolating nature - I'm the "only" and the "most," everyone else is zooming through life on their ten-speed, and here I am in the back wobbling on my trike like an absolute tool.

But these things aren't true.

Everybody's struggling in one way or another. Everybody's got insecurities, doubts and shortcomings. And when I realize that, I don't feel so lonely or ashamed anymore. And it helps me look that thing in the eye that's scaring me, intimidating me from doing and becoming, and realize that it's not so powerful, because other people have been here and overcome it. I don't have to be ashamed that I'm here, and, more importantly, I don't have to stay here.

So, naturally, with this project, this big thing that I've never done, the temptation to drop it and run screaming from the possibilities is OH SO TEMPTING. Like chocolate cake with chocolate frosting tempting. just. one. bite.

But nope.

Not gonna happen.

Instead, I'm going to have to face down those things that scare me:
1. self-promotion
2. asking for help.

Which is all to say, I need your help. You, who may browse this blog once in a while, get a chuckle, think I'm weird, whatever.

I've got 13 days to raise $1400. Right now, I'm about 1/3 of the way there. I only slightly want to hide under my bed.

Help me make my dream a reality. Help me to become the person I've always known I was, but was too scared to actually act out.

Support the Selfie Portrait Project on Kickstarter.

It's a little good karma into the world, and it will come back to you, for sure.

*I wanna say artist. I'm still working on my bravery ya'll. 

Friday, May 3, 2013

How I'm Handling Every Situation These Days

I kid you not, it's like a non-stop dance party in my life right now. Bad day? You better dance bitch. Good day? You better dance bitch. Alone in the elevator? Show them security cams what you're working with.

I was late for work the other day because I had a rough morning and had to dance to get into a better mood.

It's a lifestyle people.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Friday, April 26, 2013

Current Obsession: Fantasizing About Summer With This

over and over and over again, dreaming about summer in BK... c'mon motherfucker.

And obsessing about launching my kickstarter page. with a video. my world is changing. 

Monday, April 15, 2013

Romantic gestures of The internet age

texting gifs
forwarding relevant emails
the dedicated facebook post
linking profiles
sharing your password

Friday, April 12, 2013

The Weekly Gifts From The Internet

Dear Ya'll,

Based God Internet was very generous this week, blessing us with so many delightful things like:

'Roided ferrets being sold as poodles. This is beyond generous, based god internet. I can stare at this picture infinitely and see the very soul of life, where one would repurpose an animal as worthless as a ferret (yea, I said it), into something passable like hulk mad poodle. Honestly, I want a 'roided ferret so bad now.

Calming manatees. Of course. OF COURSE.

A cat in a sock? Why yes, that sounds lovely.

Someone made an online directory of all the gif reactions you could ever imagine. HYFR!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

In Which I Take a Moment For @Iamdiddy...

Ya'll. Perhaps you have gotten hints of it before, in casual conversation, in written posts, in ghost tweets, and long hazy diatribes, but allow me to make a formal motherfucking statement: I fucking love P.Diddy (or Diddy, or Sean Combs, or Puffy... whoever the fuck he is this month).

He is what I like to call one of the coachroaches of hip hop, an esteemed club of artists who, no matter what the situation or occassion, WILL NEVER EVER GO AWAY.

He is the king of reinvention, a genius at manipulating the media, inserting himself into whatever is "hot now," always elevating his personal brand to remind you that HIS TALENTS ARE NOT TO BE TOUCHED NOR RIVALED.

I wouldn't trust him with my career AT ALL, but I have to say, I respect his hustle spirit.
Like how the fuck did he insert himself into a Brittney Spears remix? How I ask you. HOW???

All he did was yell and make sure there was good product placement.

But he's a crafty motherfucker. And I respect that.

AND HE'S "DATING" KATE UPTON NOW.  Talk about a pop culture fame troll, way to bait 'em Dids!

I'm not even going to be ashamed to say it: I fucking love his music. I stan for Danity Kane, Press Play was a solid album, and Diddy Dirty Money's album is STILL IN ROTATION for me. Solid from start to finish.

No, I wouldn't work for him, and I doubt I'd even want to meet him, but I SEE YOU P.DIDDY. And I like what I see.


[Note: We need to have a longer convo about B. Spears. But my brain just cannot compute her anymore. Shadow dancer of her former self. Also:
1. WTF Waka? WTF. Your verse was trash (not that anyone was really trying here, but you ruined what could have been an adequate club song.
2. Is Lil' Wayne growing bangs? ]

Friday, April 5, 2013

WAAAAAAAY Overdue For This


My three favorite things (miniatures, squirrels, and anthropomorphization) lobbed into one photoshoot??


[Ed Note: Don't ya'll love how incredibly alluring my headlines are these days?? And are you ever slightly disappointed when it's not what you thought it was going to be?? Yes, welcome to my 9 to 5, where I write headlines nearly EVERY DAMN DAY. You're welcome!]

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Annoying But Probably True

The only times that I'm super cranky and will not apologize for it:
1. Hungry
2. Sleepy
3. Cold

I've been known to love on the snooze button periodically throughout my life. Now I know he's a shitty lover who only causes more harm than good. So long fucker.

Monday, April 1, 2013

An Important Moment in Pop Culture History

I've been haunted by a Debarge song I heard in a coffee shop (why a coffee shop was playing 80s pop is beyond me), and in an internet search I came across this little gem. Let us reflect on the:

excessive satin
long blazers
the kid with the video camera

And the general sitcom awesomeness of a pop star magically appearing in the life of some "average people" and recording music with them (hello Stevie Wonder). It was probably a big deal to have Debarge on Facts of Life, and it was probably a career highlight for him. Those were the days.

(And no, this isn't a April fools joke, I have had a Debarge song in my head for over a week)

Friday, March 29, 2013


Edie & Thea: A Very Long Engagement from Bless Bless Productions on Vimeo.

Why wouldn't you let 2 nice old ladies get married? What type of heartless asshole would say "no old ladies, though ya'll are very cute and adorable and love each other very much and one of you is about to DIE so it doesn't really matter anyway, we won't let you legally declare what you've basically been doing for the past 45 years."
There are much more important things - the fact that we're killing the planet on which we live, so all of these futile arguments we have won't matter if we all die due to our own selfish wants, the fact that we are killing each other at such astonishing rates that we've become indifferent to murder as a whole, the fact that we have these rampant incurable diseases tearing down whole communities at astonishing rates, the fact that compassion has been demoted as a universal practice - that we as a kind should be debating than whether two consenting adults can sign a piece of paper and file taxes together. Give me a fucking break. Stop wasting my time stupid lawmakers and legalize gay marriage already so we can get back to shit that actually matters. 

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

An Open Letter To This Cold Ass Weather

Dear Winter,

Will you fuck off already?? Seriously.
You've been hanging around too long, don't you have some other hemisphere to harass? And you've basically made a liar out of one of America's most loved 4 legged mammals,* leaving me to believe he's better suited to line my boots than predict the weather. That's not nice, but winter, it's your fault. You're making me a bitch. Seriously. Go away. It's not funny, you're not funny, you're ugly, your breath stinks, and no one likes you.
Ok, that was harsh. I mean, you're cool and all, and I'm sure that I'd be sad (or creeped out) if you didn't show up one year. And as a child of mother nature, I guess you have as much of a right as anyone to do your thang.
But honestly, after March, you need to move the fuck on. I'm serious. Take your high wind flakey ass back to wherever the fuck you dwell.

 Bye bitch

*Ed Note: Ya'll really need to read the article in the link, because Punxsutawney Phil's reputation is in jeopardy to the extent that a Ohio lawyer suggested he get murked, but I was just joking in the above. His handler however... FINISH HIM.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Things That I Love And Hate About The Subway

I Love:
Watching the people who read over other people's shoulders
The dude who yells back door on the bus
People who dance to the music in their headphones
Reading over other people's shoulders
Getting a nap in on a long ride
Watching people head nod while sleeping
Guessing what stop people will get off at
Making funny faces at babies
The kids who breakdance
Watching people watch other people

I Hate:
When people hold the doors
When people don't hold the doors for me
The mariachi band
The African drummers
People who sing to their music
When people read over my shoulder
When people sleep lean on my shoulder
People who don't wait for others to get off before getting on the train

Friday, March 22, 2013

(Otherwise Known As Me This Morning...)

It's Friday. Let's dance!

Monday, March 18, 2013

Things I Will Ask You When We Hang Out

1. Is this what you thought being an adult was like?
2. Who would you rather: Beyonce or Rihanna
3. Do you think Rick Ross has that work?
4. How did Lil' Wayne get all those pretty women? And does it have anything to do with the fact that he's always rapping about eating pussy?
5. Is it weird that Lil' Wayne is always rapping about eating pussy?
6. Do you watch Big Bang theory?

Answer key (cause yes, there are correct answers to further our friendship): 1. If you don't remember your childhood interpretation of adulthood, we can't be friends. 2. If you answer Beyonce, I'm always going to feel like we haven't exactly connected. 3. If you say yes, I like your sense of imagination, because let's be real, the answer is no. 4. There is no logical answer to this question, and if you try to make one, then I'm going to assume that you too would fuck Lil' Wayne, in which case, um... I admire your honesty, but no. 5. The correct answer is yes, it is slightly weird. 6. If you answer yes, GTFO out of my face, my life, and off my blog. That's the worse show created, and your sense of humor is ass. 

Friday, March 15, 2013

In Which Things Get A lot Weirder, In A Totally Good Way

Famous Farrah Ep 2!!

I fucking love the sister, because she is insane. 

Wednesday, March 13, 2013


Nothing like an old white man who unexpectedly and impressively busts a move. Word to David Gregory.

Found via cult days.

Friday, March 8, 2013

A Haiku For Nick Offerman

Your bushy moustache
Is filled with talent and love
And hope for mankind

"We were hanging out in Austin [shooting Somebody Up There Likes Me], and we would sit around watching So You Think You Can Dance, because his wife, Megan Mullally, who he is 100 percent obsessed with — I've never seen a man who's been married for, like, fifteen years, he's obsessed with her, so madly in love with her — so we would sit around together watching So You Think You Can Dance, because she was coaching or a guest judge on it, so he could talk to her about it. She would call right after the episode, and he would talk to her about how it got edited, if she said anything helpful to the dancers, all of that stuff ... Honestly, of any couple I've ever met, that's the couple I admire most. I've actually never met a couple that supportive and that passionate. I want what they have."

Jess Weixler on co-star Nick Offerman's (aka Ron Swanson, the best man alive) never ending love for his wife Via Vulture

I recently saw Offerman perform and yes - this man really fucking loves his wife a whole fucking much.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Treat Yo Self

It's a lifestyle.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Romantic Movie Lies That Need To End

Wash hair
Paint toenails
Sleeping with hair out
Waking up looking fresh

Friday, March 1, 2013


Via Zooborns:
This tiny baby Mouse Deer was born on Valentines Day at the Berlin Zoo. It fits perfectly into a man's hand. These shy animals are actually are the smallest hoofed mammals in the world, and are members of the animal family that includes pigs, antelopes, sheep, goats, and hippos! This baby will grow to a maximum weight of only about 5 pounds (2.5 kg) in adulthood, and its legs will be no bigger than the circumference of a pencil!
And when I seen you, I known there is a God. I Known there is a God.

Props to god for creating such an adorably strange hybrid animal. Made my muthafuckin day. Now where's my miniature elephant??? 

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

10 occasions in which you can legitimately say "started from the bottom now we here":

After climbing a flight of stairs
After changing a baby's diaper
After performing a Brazilian wax
After eating a snack from the wrong end of the package
While climbing out of a sewer 
While watching the temperature climb from 0 degrees Celsius
Whilst pulling on a pair of pants
While stirring a container of dannon "fruit on the bottom" yogurt (though technically, the honor goes to the fruit, not you)
After picking something up off the floor
After ascending socioeconomic classes from a level below the poverty line

Monday, February 25, 2013

Some Of My Favorite Internet Things

With narration - 
Cat: Ay yo, yo, yo, let me talk to you for a sec...
Dog: Wassup?... Wassup??

Which leads me to one of my favorite animal dubs of all time:

Thank you internet, i love you.

Friday, February 22, 2013

What Are You Waiting For? Get into this.

 I'm doing you a favor. Famous Farrah Ep 2.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

I Am A Socially Awkward Penguin

Allow me to introduce you to the story of my life: socially awkward penguin.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Umm... Is This Racist?

I hate it when this happens to me: see something that's funny, but is also probably racist/classist/offensive in a inexcusable way.

So naturally, this Alexander Wang video starring Bon Qui Qui has really thrown me for a loop.

If just all white people who cannot separate comedy and humorous caricature from real life please abstain from watching this video, that'd be extremely helpful.

For the rest of us, feel free to join in the laughs and subsequent guilt that follows.

And, if you have a cousin/sister/personality similar to Bon Qui Qui, I want you to know that I respect you, and your life and lifestyle is not a joke. But maybe rapping isn't going to happen for you.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Porn That's SFW

The internet is full of people I want to be friends with.
Like the creators of Porn SFW. This. Is. The. Best.
More please and thank you.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

This Is For The Lover In You

 And, in case you feel like a cry:

Happy Valentine's Day.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013


pretty much.

Sidebar: If you aren't receiving the Morning Funnies newsletter from Papermag, your inbox is garbage. 

Monday, February 11, 2013


I def was like, I want to be friends with Sasha.
I also probably weirded out Kimora Simmons when I worked on her show because I would talk to her about how much me and her daughter Aoki had in common (for the record, she's a lefty, and that's really important to me, as a lefty).  I really wanted to be Aoki's friend.
I mostly just love all second daughters, because we're hella turnt up a lot of fun (and get all the personality).

Friday, February 8, 2013

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

A New Favorite Word


  1. Having a pleasantly sharp taste or appetizing flavor.
  2. Pleasantly stimulating or exciting to the mind.

Who knew I'd been living for this all along?

Monday, February 4, 2013

The Only Thing I Really Liked About The Superbowl

Let's be real people: I'm not watching the Superbowl.

First off, I don't really care for football. Call it a childhood traumatized by cheering for the Bills, only to watch them lose again, and again, and again (and again).
Also, I can't really see the player's faces, so I can't talk about who's hot and who's my new boyfriend, and who's my friend, and who's my enemy. 
If I'm going to watch a sport, I'm going to watch basketball, because I can tell who's my new pro-athlete boyfriend (haaay sefolosha!) and who seems like I went to high school with them and are really good friends of mines (the rest of the OKC), and who looks like a guy who I would go to my church (oh you mean Andrew Bynum, Deacon Bynum's son?).
 See? Basketball is way more interesting-er. 
Superbowl? I'm just here for the food, fellowship and commercials. 
And maybe the halftime show (though Beyonce truly vexes me). 

So, my faves:

RACHET-ASS OLD PEOPLE - AKA, me in 50 years

THE TRUTH ABOUT BABIES - knew it. Also, babies of all genus and species??? YES MY OVARIES. (However I think they did a shitty job actually promoting the car)

FISH SINGS BLACKSTREET - Um, it's a no-brainer.

**Ed Note: Oh, you thought I was gonna say Beyonce? Hahahaha. Not today son. Not today. 

Friday, February 1, 2013

How To Make Your Soul Grow

“Go into the arts. I’m not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an an enormous reward. You will have created something.”
- Kurt Vonnegut

Via swissmiss

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

More Shit My Friends Do: Famous Farrah

What can I say. I roll with a talented bunch. Get more at

Monday, January 28, 2013

Shit Girls Say To Gay Guys 2

So relieved I don't say these things. Except vagina. I definitely taunt people with the word vagina. It's my litmus test of whether or not we can really be friends.

Friday, January 25, 2013

This DEF Must Be Love

Missed Connections stay giving me the LOLs. No really, here's me crying laughing after reading a bunch of missed connections one night:

Get your own creepy lols here.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


Marianne Vitale

For all my sensitive mofos. Especially me.

Monday, January 21, 2013

What I'm Obsessed With Right Now: Animal Edition

Wilford Brimley Kitty IS EVERYTHING TO ME. Seriously. Hire this cat for your next commercial diabeetus people!


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