Wednesday, March 27, 2013

An Open Letter To This Cold Ass Weather

Dear Winter,

Will you fuck off already?? Seriously.
You've been hanging around too long, don't you have some other hemisphere to harass? And you've basically made a liar out of one of America's most loved 4 legged mammals,* leaving me to believe he's better suited to line my boots than predict the weather. That's not nice, but winter, it's your fault. You're making me a bitch. Seriously. Go away. It's not funny, you're not funny, you're ugly, your breath stinks, and no one likes you.
Ok, that was harsh. I mean, you're cool and all, and I'm sure that I'd be sad (or creeped out) if you didn't show up one year. And as a child of mother nature, I guess you have as much of a right as anyone to do your thang.
But honestly, after March, you need to move the fuck on. I'm serious. Take your high wind flakey ass back to wherever the fuck you dwell.

 Bye bitch

*Ed Note: Ya'll really need to read the article in the link, because Punxsutawney Phil's reputation is in jeopardy to the extent that a Ohio lawyer suggested he get murked, but I was just joking in the above. His handler however... FINISH HIM.

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