Friday, September 13, 2013

The Proper Way To Pray

1. Find a Bathroom. Preferably a public one, at work say, but any old bathroom will do.
It's a little known fact that the toilet is the perfect place to pray, serving both as a metaphorical and literal display to God that you are "about to show your ass." It also serves as a humble reminder of your piousness, and your vulnerability before the Lord - it takes a bold motherfucker to act aloof on the toilet.

2. State your thank yous. As we all know, no one likes a greedy askhole. If you're in a rush (and lets face it, you're praying in a public bathroom, so shit's about to get real), it's okay to just run through the basics - thanks for life, presence, toilet paper, or my favorite catch all "all that you have done." Lazy, but hey, we're trying to cover bases here, not one-up the lord's prayer.

3. Beg. Try to come at it from a confident place like "I know you see what's going on here, and that I'm freaking out, but yea, I know you're gonna fix it, so I'm just checking in as a friendly reminder that I'm freaking out over here."
If you can't muster the confidence angle, repeating please multiple times is the prayer equivalent of marking an email as high importance. We all know the power that little red exclamation point brings (at least us archaic microsoft outlook users).

4. Thank again. The final thank you is the handshake of prayer, a sort of "nice doing business with you God" gesture. Note here, that if you'd like to be fastidious in your bases covering, you might also add in a "perhaps my way isn't the best way, so if you chose to not go with my preferred plan of action, I defer to your expertise, for you are God, and I am often dumb."

5. Amen. And flush. Even if you didn't pee or anything. You don't want other people in the bathroom to think you nasty.

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